I've been waiting to write this preview all season. I've been looking forward to it. And, I know what you're saying. "Gee, Keller, if you were soooooo looking forward to writing this, why are you posting it on Thursday night?" I have no response. Well, none except for: Eat me. It's a free blog.
There are two reasons I've been looking forward to this game/preview all year.
One, it's the Raiders. I have a special kind of hatred for the Raiders. They're kind of like your dickhead cousin that you only see periodically at family reunions and special events, like when a mutual cousin or a relative that's close to both of you geographically gets married. When you hear about them, you're a little mad. But, at least they're family. When the Raiders went to the Super Bowl, I was pissed, but I was happy that the AFC might stand a chance in the big game. I was wrong there, too, but at least I rooted for family (AFC) rather than seething hatred.
My point is that I don't really hate the Raiders when we're not playing them. There's a deeply rooted hatred for Oakland that beats in the heart of every Steeler fan. However, THAT WAS THIRTY FREAKIN' YEARS AGO. I hate Baltimore and Cincinnati much more because we play them more often and they've beaten us in important games more recently. It's true that the Raiders wiped their collective asses with us in 2002 at Heinz Field. But, they were the team to beat and we were a bad game against the Browns from starting the Tommy Maddox Era. They ended up going to the Super Bowl and getting pasted by a Tampa squad that we owned on Monday Night, and we ended up going to overtime and not beating Atlanta. Do you see the symmetry this year?
This year, we're a wounded champion and they're a terrible, terrible team. I smell blood in the water. I'm channeling my inner Mike Kruczek and thinking about how the Raiders ruined the best season the Steelers ever could have had ('76, could've won three straight Super Bowls, let up only 26 points over 9 games at one point, only lost in the AFC Championship Game because Franco, Blier, and Lambert were hurt). We need to make these guys pay.
The other reason I'm looking forward to this game is that the Raiders SUCK. True, they finally got off the schneid and beat the hapless Cardinals last week. True, they have Randy Moss. And LaMont Jordan, the biggest cause of Fantasy Football related suicides since Daunte Culpepper. And that's it.
Look at their depth chart, for Christ's sake! Do you recognize any of their linebackers? I know three of their guys on defense. Warren Sapp because he used to be good in Tampa, Derrick Burgess because he had 15 sacks last year, and Michael Huff because he was drafted 7th overall this offseason. On offense, they look like they could use Lincoln Kennedy to roll his chubby ass out of the broadcast booth and suit up to play left tackle. Or right tackle. Or any position on the line, really. It's a good thing Joey Porter is probably going to play. He and Clark Haggans (or even Arnold Harrison or James Harrison) are going to make it a long day for whoever lines up under center for the Raiders.
It' most likely to be Andrew Walter. This kid set an NCAA record for fumbles during his career at Arizona State. He's a big guy (6'6", 245) with a HUGE arm, but he's brittle and his favorite food is the apple turnover. With a side of fumble. And an interception glaze. And he likes a little "agonizingly stupid play that makes everyone in the stands groan" in his coffee. The man makes Aaron Brooks look responsible enough to have sex with your sister.
Heading this 1-5 three ring circus (I know, they're only a game worse than the Steelers, but you just have to trust me) is former Raider and worst coach ever, Art Shell. Shell was hired after absolutely everyone with a pulse and the knowledge that a football is oblong and the thing you kick it through is called "the uprights" interviewed for the job. Did anyone catch the Monday night game against the Chargers on opening weekend? The Raiders couldn't block, couldn't tackle, and were getting completely slaughtered on national television. Shell looked wooden on the sidelines, like he was on the phone with his unsurance agent, listening to the subtle differences between full tort and limited tort coverage. To top it all off, he had his headset off and was talking to Randy Moss on the sidelines with under two minutes to play in the first half and the clock running. Under two minutes. Clock running. Headset off. Talking to Randy Moss. I really wish I was making this up.
We need to absolutely slaughter these guys. Pummel them. The Kansas City Chiefs need to look at the final score and say, "Damn! At least we didn't get beat that bad!" Picture a red-headed step-child. Seated on a rented mule. In a room with no windows. Bill Romonowski and Mike Tyson are there. They have jagged, rusty chains. And they've just had an eightball each and skinny, pale faced redheads have just been slapping them across the face for six straight hours without Romo and Tyson having the ability resist or fight back.
We need to murder these guys. I hate the Raiders. They must suffer.
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