Playoff Beard Rules 2012

I took some flack last year because these rules make it kind of easy to grow and maintain a playoff beard. That's the way they're intended to be. Really, this post should be called, "A Practical Guide to Growing and Maintaining a Playoff Beard," but that title sucks. So, just keep that in mind.

Note, though, that I didn't say that it was a guide for casual fans, because that's not how we roll here at Steelers N At. You need to go all-in with your fandom, but still remain employed and desirable to the opposite sex. Or, same sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

1. If you currently have a beard, it's OK.

I normally have a beard, but I trim it down before the Stanley Cup Playoffs start. The key is to take pride in your growth and the fact that you're supporting your team. As your beard grows, their chances to hoist Lord Stanley's Cup grows.

Addendum: If your team needs an extra-special push in the postseason this year, then you should go the extra mile and shave your current beard off. This is a big time sacrifice for most guys with beards and the hockey gods will reward your sacrifice with playoff victories.

That's why I shaved my beard off before the playoffs started last season. The act of not having a beard when you're used to one is a painful process, but not quite as painful as the transitional period between "clean shaven" and "actually having a respectable beard." The hockey gods appreciate that sacrifice as well. You just have to remember that you're contributing to something larger than yourself.

Weidman Addendum: Those of us that maintain beards of three or more inches risk angering the hockey gods by fully shaving the plumage before the playoffs. Our sacrifice instead is resisting the urge this time of year to shed our winter coats and slim down to something sportier like a goatee or conquistador stash. All other rules of trimming and maintenance still apply.

Please note that the Pens got knocked out in the first round last season, which means personal sacrifice by fans might not mean much when it comes to affecting the actual results of games.

2. Neckbeards are not cool.


Neckbeards are unattractive, itchy, and basically the equivalent of slapping God in the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

The idea is that God gave us power of attorney over the beasts of the land, the sea, and the air. Earth is our sanctuary and our bodies are our temples. If we let hair grow on our necks, nature wins. We need to seize power of attorney and shave it down.

Also, if you look at NHL players, they're not rocking the Kyle Orton Classic. They keep a balance between order and chaos by holding their neck hair in check. They're also handsomely compensated for looking like hobos during the playoffs. I doubt that Pascal Dupuis -- though he seems like a hell of a nice guy -- would risk losing his job or looking like crap so that you could get a promotion.

Additionally, a lot of hockey fans have these things. They're called jobs. A regular beard is usually acceptable, but a neck beard pushes the envelope. I love the Penguins. I love the Steelers. I love the Pirates. I love job security more.

And I'm sure we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

3. The mustache is almost fair game.

If I kiss my wife (or significant other) and they make a face like a very small rat crawled up their nose and they need to expel it at all costs, then it's time to do some work on the old mustache.

I'm not saying trim it to douchebag levels (the 1 setting on most trimmers). I'm not saying that you should go all Civil War and just grow chops. I'm not saying you should go all Alternative Rocker and forgo the mustache. I'm saying this... the idea is to support your team in body and spirit, but not destroy your love life in the process.

Therefore, wife wins over hockey.

I'm sorry. I understand that this makes me a pansy. But, I also doubt that Matt Cooke would make changes in his life that would lead to him having issues banging his wife just for you. Not saying he's a jerk, just putting things in perspective.

4. You are not allowed to make a spectacle of your playoff beard.

Don't tell anyone that you're growing one. Don't write blog posts about it (unless, you know, you're writing a guide about it... OK, I made that up to cover myself). Don't bring it up at happy hour.

Hockey is a sport of unwritten rules and silent acceptance. It isn't a sport for showboating or celebrating, which is why Malkin got in trouble for switching from the "arm pump, then hug teammates" paradigm.

The neck beard follows the same rules. Do not waiver from them.

5. You are not allowed to complain about your playoff beard.


Don't say, "Wow. This is getting out of hand. I can't wait until I can trim it or cut it off." Don't say, "I can't wait until the playoffs are over so that I can trim this or cut it off." Don't even say, "I can't wait until the Penguins win the Cup so I can trim this or cut it off."

If you're the kind of person that is superstitious enough to grow a playoff beard, you're the kind of person that is superstitious enough to believe that such statements can sink your team.

I actually said, "I can't wait until the Penguins win the Cup so I can trim this," before the Final started against Detroit in 2008 and I will never forgive myself.


6. No trimming the beard itself.


Last year, I made a special dispensation for someone on Facebook and said that they were allowed to trim their beard between finals. I think that was a mistake. I've given you the slack to not grow a neck beard. I've given you the slack to trim the mustache. If you're allowed to trim the whole thing, then why not just have a regular beard? If you're allowed to just have a regular beard, what makes that a playoff beard, specifically?


So... mustache trim and no neck beard only. No trimming between rounds, no exceptions.

7. Have fun with it.

This is something that many sports fans (myself definitely included) forget. Sports are supposed to be fun. Sports are supposed to be an escape.

It's the playoffs. Not everything is called. Not everything requires a stoppage of play.

But, also remember that your team is counting on you. So, don't blow it.