First Things First

I realize that it's the middle of July and I haven't posted anything since the beginning of June. I know this. Then again, it's the football offseason. What could possibly be happening? As it turns out, lots of shit.



Here's everything that doesn't have to do with the Steelers. If you absolutely must, please scroll down to see what I think about Training Camp (I can't wait either, but we're going to get through this - and the articles will certainly flow once I have something to talk about).

1. I hate Barry Bonds with a passion. I have been pissed at Barry Bonds for more than half my life. In the 1990 NLCS he laid a gigantic egg (went something like 1 for 39) and couldn't throw out Sid Bream in the '91 NLCS. And Bream was slow. My grandmother could get from second to home faster than him. No really. They had a race in 1993. That was before her hip surgery, though... My point is this: Even though I hate Barry Bonds as much as I do, I would like to whip out my cock and slap every sportswriter that's talking about A-Rod and steriods soundly across the face with it. Line up fellas. Won't be the first time. Let the man enjoy the history he is making! Fuck asterics and fuck eras. Would Ruth have dominated like he did if he had to play against superior athletes that were banned from the sport at the time? If he had to hit a slider? Would Aaron have lasted as long as he did and dealt with the media pressure that exists in today's game? Could he hit a split-fingered fastball and compete against the best Latinos and Asians the world has to offer? I have an answer to those questions: I don't give a shit. They played whenever they played and can't be held responsible for the era they lived through. And, while I'm not a fan of steroids and professional sports, I believe that when Bonds saw Brady Fucking Anderson hit 50 home runs, he said to himself, "I got to get me some of that!" Every home run hitter was juiced and no one else hit 73. And Sammy Sosa burned out before he could threaten Aaron. And McGuire's brittle, steroid addled bones gave way before he could. If Griffey Jr. didn't injure every part of his body from 2001-Present, we'd be talking about who was going to break the record first. Shit happens. People use "special creams" and their heads grow six sizes. Deal with it. When Bonds hits 756, I'll be happy for him. When A-Rod hits 757 (or whatever the record ends up being), I'll be happy for him. Someone making baseball history is not a time for bitterness. It's a time to look at a particular accomplishment and note it for the impressive feat that it is. Steroids or no, Bonds has been the best player in baseball year in and year out since 1986. It's time someone took notice.


2. The Pirates suck balls. Weidman and I have taken to coming up with fun nicknames for their players. I call Freddie Sanchez "Dirty Sanchez." He calls Adam Laroche "Stinky Laroche." You figure it out. And John Van Benschoten's name sounds like something some hammered 20 year old would say if asked for a character witness at Oktoberfest. "No, man. You got it all wrong. I know someone here... Heinrich... Van... Benssschotennn." And that dude sucks balls, too. Great first overall pick, guys. I think we should be able to do to McClatchy and Littlefield and Bonifay what the Chinese did to their Health Minister.


3. Michael Vick is facing federal charges. It'll be interesting to see what Kaiser Goodell has to say about that. It's all well and good to suspend cornerbacks and back-ups on a whim to exercise your authority in a new regime. What happens when you have to lay down the law on one of the most popular players in the league? Probably in all of sports?


4. Transfomers is a BAD ASS movie. See it. Twice. Megan Fox made me fly at half mast when she was clothed and not being penetrated or making out with another chick. That's rare company. If you're looking for plot and Oscar nods, this is the wrong movie. If you're looking for a smokin' hot girl and lots of explosions, see it twice.


5. Also see Live Free or Die Hard. If nothing else, so you can see John McClain on the big screen.


6. There's something fishy about the "contract extension" the Michel Therrion signed. I think it's a no-confidence signing. Either the kids develop and anyone can coach them to a cup or they don't, fire Mikey, and get someone who can bring the best out of them. They're renting Therrion and that's not right. I'm not even convinced that he gets an actual extension (read: 4 or 5 years) if they make a deep playoff run. He seems like he's just keeping the seat warm until the Pens can sign a name guy. After all, Mike was coaching the Baby Penguins a couple years ago. Before that, who had heard of him outside Pittsburgh. Now everyone knows that the Pens have a young, talented roster. Someone's gunning for this job in 2009. Someone big. Then again, I don't know anything about hockey. The biggest name I can think of in coaching is Scotty Bowman. Isn't he dead?


7. If you haven't started watching Rock of Love on VH1, start doing so. It's worth it to watch the breast implants bounce across the screen.