Steeler vs. hated Ravens Review

I have to say that I'm very conflicted about the victory last night.

On the one hand, we won and a win is a win and wins are awesome. On the other hand, Mewelde Moore is now at the top of the depth chart at running back and an offensive line that was already short on quality starters lost a quality starter in Kendall Simmons.

On the one hand, Moore came up huge... on the other hand, he's our only healthy back and the Steelers are now talking to Najeh Freakin' Davenport and Gary Russell. Why is it, exactly, that we can't bring back Verron Haynes? Or Dan Kreider? What did those guys do to Tomlin? They seriously must have had a three-way with his sister.

On the one hand, the defense and special teams were excellent (Mitch Berger -- from now on referred to as Bitch Merger -- does not count towards this... if anything, special teams gets points deducted because Bitch is on them. Man, I miss vulva. And the punter we drafted last year that's on injured reserve, I miss him, too.) One the other hand, the offense looked pretty damn craptastic and awful.

Jeff Reed is getting to the point where he's automatic. He's hit 30 of his last 32 attempts, dating back to last season. The only two kicks he has missed were a 65-yarder in Denver and a 38-yarder (okay, I made that number up, but the Denver number is right) last year in the quagmire of bullshit that was the field for the Monday night game against the Dolphins. Those are the only two attempts he's missed. And he kicks in Heinz Field, one of the worst stadiums to kick in in the NFL. And he's in the AFC North, so he has to kick outdoors a lot in November, December, and (sometimes) January in such hot spots as Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Baltimore. And he's got Bitch Merger placing his kicks for him and Greg Warren (I'm still watching you, 60, you better not fuck up) snapping. I can see why the Steelers hit him with the, "Don't even think about trying to sign this guy," restricted free agent tender a few years back. He's worth what we pay him. And then some.

Unlike, say, someone else that we tagged recently. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Mendenhall, Simmons, and Vulva are all on IR. Fast Willie is hurt. Carey Davis... it's an ankle injury and he's a third string guy, but it's still not good. Casey Hampton is hurt (already declared out for Week 5 in Jacksonville). Brett Keisel is going to miss at least another couple of games. Deshea is hurt, but I think they're just resting him and saying that he's hurt worse than he is so McFadden can fully take over the job.

At any rate, there are a ton of injuries and the Steelers had to overcome all of them, plus a very good Ravens defense, plus an uncharacteristically calm rookie with one hell of a unibrow, plus a ten point deficit, plus the fact that the home crowd actually booed them before the half. All this is not to mention all 840 pounds of LeRon McClain. That dude's good. Like a skinny Ironhead Hayward, or a fat Jerome Bettis.

Here's the thing: I think that the Monday night game against the hated Ravens will be looked at as a turning point in the season. I think that everyone's going to rally together, get better together, that the defense is going to be able to carry the offense until it improves (and gets healthy), and that, aside from Bitch, the kicking game is going to continue to be strong. And, really, I think Bitch will get better because he can't get much worse.

If nothing else, we've got a big game quarterback with balls and a big time kicker with balls. Guess what? If Tomlin can at least make his way to "smart," with no pressure to get to "uber genius," we'll have most of the pieces of the puzzle that made the Patriots practically unbeatable this century. I mean, we've always had the "opportunistic defense that makes a play at the right time," right?

So, now that we have all the pieces in place, Tomlin just needs to get a little better (that'll happen in time) and then we'll start winning shitloads of Super Bowls. Well, maybe not shitloads, but I could see one or two by the time Tomlin, Roethlisberger, and Reed all retire.

(I'm completely serious here. I am not kidding. I think this is going to be a great team for a long time because of the nucleus of guys we have right now. And last night's game might just be what flips the switch for all of them.)

Now that I've engaged in a huge stroke fest, here's some good, old fashioned negativity for you...

1. Tomlin or LeBeau need to make a decision on this Foote/Timmons situation. Timmons is too good to sit on the bench, but Foote isn't bad, either. They don't want to shatter anyone's confidence, so it's a bad situation, but I think it's time to pull the plug. Let Timmons take over, have Foote just in case. The linebackers are getting better by the day and Foote is bringing the general quality of play down -- not way down, because he's still a pretty damn good player, but he's not as good as Timmons at this point.
2. Looks like they're going to sign Gary Russell and Najeh Davenport. However, in addition to Verron Haynes being available, there are two guys that I find far more intriguing than Russell and the Closet Pooper. That would be Mike Bell and Noah Herron. Neither guy is a Pro Bowl-caliber player, but they're both better than Davenport or Russell. They both can catch the ball out of the back field, aren't players on the decline, and have handled starting duties before. As a matter of fact, Herron was originally drafted by the Steelers, so he's familiar with a lot of the guys on offense, even if he's not familiar with Arians' system in particular. And, since the Arians offense is similar to the Whisenhunt offense, Herron shouldn't have to spend too much time learning it.
3. Of course, they're not going to sign Herron or Bell, because those guys are free agents from other teams. They prefer to re-sign and re-tread their guys, guys that are familiar with what it takes to be a Steeler, but weren't good enough to make the roster (or, since the Steelers don't take castaways, any roster). That's great. That's cream-of-the-crop shit right there. Way to go. Don't sign the best guy available, sign the guy that you didn't want as recently as six weeks ago. Nice. (Editor's Note: Haynes and Kreider are exempt from this argument, because they obviously gave Tomlin's sister an Angry Dragon, a Lumberjack, and a Dirty Sanchez when they had the three-way with her. That's obviously why they haven't been picked back up.)
   
4. Speaking of scraping the bottom of the barrel... what in the holy fuck is Darnell Fucking Stapleton doing starting at right guard in place of Kendall Simmons? You're supposed to get your top five guys out there, right? Well, Tony Hills and Trai Essex were inactive last night. Ten offensive linemen on the roster, two inactives, five starters, and Darnell Fucking Stapleton gets the call. Sure, he may be the top back-up at right guard. I'll buy that. But why start him next week? Why declare that already? Why not put Willie Colon at right guard and put, oh, gee, I don't know, the $7 million man, Max Starks in at right tackle? Why not? Because he sucks fucking balls, that's why not. Because signing Starks to that transitional tag is the single worst decision any Steelers GM has made since they let Johnny Fucking Unitas go. Why not put Starks in and shift Colon over? Why? Because Starks was worse than Darnell Fucking Stapleton (henceforth DFS) and was, at best, the seventh-best lineman out of eight active guys. It's one thing to draft the guy, it's another thing to pay him about as much as, oh, I don't know, say, Alan Faneca is making this season to basically be inactive. Admit your failure, Kevin Colbert. Put him on the inactive list. Let Mr. Drop Foot, Tony Hills, dress for the rest of the season. Let Starks wear sweats and a ball cap. Actually, let him wear a suit made of solid gold. Don't worry. He can fucking afford it.
5. I didn't realize how big of a deal Vulva getting placed on IR was. Bitch Merger is terrible. It'd be great if we could call Paul Ernster and get him on the roster, but he's worse than Bitch. He actually couldn't beat Bitch out for a job. I really hope that Vulva's okay and that we'll have him next year. You know how they say that for every kicker that has a job, there's five guys that are just as good that don't? Well, they're completely full of bullshit, whoever they are. I want my Vulva back.
6. Half the team is hurt and we play another bunch of bruisers on the road in Jacksonville on Sunday night. So, that's not good.

One positive. After the Jaguars, we only face three great defenses in the next 11 games (Tennessee, Baltimore, and the Giants). We face a couple other good defenses (Washington and New Englad), I have no idea what to expect from either of those teams. They may have completely self-destructed by the time we play them.

We also get a bye after this game. Then the Bungles. Thank God.

16 Reasons the hated Ravens Make Me Poop My Pants

I'm late on this post and it's gonna be kinda short, because I have other stuff to do after I finish with this. And, strangest of all, I've had actual work-like stuff to do at work this week, which is why I didn't put anything up until now.

Enough excuses and qualifiers, here goes...

1. Everyone seems to think that Rashard Mendenhall will "shard" the bed, fumble 15 times, and gain only 10 yards on 22 carries. I am one of the few people that thinks he'll do okay. Against a defense that's as good against the run as the hated Ravens, okay actually translates to good. Willie's the kind of guy that needs a hole to make things happen. He needs a seam and, in order to break a long run, he needs about five yards of daylight after that seam. The hated Ravens don't give anyone that. They're too good against the run (haven't let someone rush for 100 yards on them in 21 games), so it makes sense to have a guy in there that can move the pile and doesn't need as much daylight.
2. At least that's what I keep telling myself. And then I remember that Amos Zeroeue had way better games against Baltimore than Bettis ever did. And then I tell myself to shut the fuck up, be optimistic, and stop crying like a little sissy.
3. Psychologically, neither team should have any trouble getting fired up for this game, but, throughout the week, it seemed like everyone was talking about how good the hated Ravens were, how they were this year's surprise team, and how the Steelers let the Eagles sack Roethlisberger 85 times on Sunday. So, from that perspective the edge goes to the Steelers: They feel disrespected, they're at home, Monday night game, they have to band together because of injuries. I mean, as long as no one gives the hated Ravens bulletin board material, we should be good to go.
4. Crap.
5. The line opened up at even, now it's 5 1/2 in favor of the Steelers. That means that the bulk of the action is on us. Last week, the bulk of the action was on the Eagles. Just saying.
6. Joe Flacco is not Donovan McNabb. He's barely Matt Schaub. He's a big, statuesque dude that doesn't move well and has a cannon for a right arm. He's lot like David Carr or Rob Johnson. More successful thus far than either of those guys thus far, but in the same mold. Dick LeBeau actually did a really good job of getting in the face of McNabb, a veteran quarterback playing behind a better offensive line. You had better believe he's going to get in the head of Flacco.
7. Trouble is that Buddy Ryan's kid (I can never remember the dude's first name, but he's Baltimore's defensive coordinator and I know his first name isn't Rob) also knows how to get to the quarterback. And, in case you hadn't noticed, or read any coverage, or happening to have buried your head in the sand, the offensive line isn't doing such a bang-up job of protecting Ben here recently.
8. Speaking of gambling, the over/under for this game is 34. Take the under.
9. Even without Brett Kiesel and Casey Hampton, I think the run defense is going to do just fine. It's not going to be great, it's not going hold Willis McGahee/Ray Rice/LaRon McClain to 15 yards on 34 carries or anything, but they're going to keep the total at around 100 (which is actually a hell of a job, considering Baltimore's probably going to run the ball 40 times or so).
10. So, dead quarterback on either side of the field. Ineffective running games. TAKE THE UNDER. And, really, take the points. No way the Steelers win by 6. I'm thinking it's a 10-6 proposition, just like the Cleveland game. But without the swirling winds and the rain.
    
11. We're 1-0 in our division, the hated Ravens are 2-0 in our division. If they beat us, they're 3-0 in our division and 3-0 overall. That's one hell of a start to the year. Pretty much can't let that happen.
12. The good news is that the players know that we can't let that happen, so they're going to try their damnedest to win this game.
13. The hated Ravens also know that they'll have a huge advantage in the division if they start out 3-0 both overall and in division play, so they have a little bit of incentive to play hard, too.
14. It's at home, it's Monday night, we tend to own the hated Ravens at home, and definitely in Prime Time, so we have that edge. Plus which, we kicked the holy shit out of them last year on Monday night, so we've got that going for us.
15. However, we must also consider... I will not be there. Hank Williams, Jr will probably not be there. The 75th anniversary team will not be there. And they're probably still really pissed about last season and how badly we humiliated them.
16. The x-factor in all of this is Ben Roethlisberger. One of the big reasons he ended up with 5 touchdown passes in last season's Monday night game was because he was able to escape pressure and throw the ball deep. The pressure is coming this week, so he'll either need to escape it, or we're looking at another trip to the woodshed. Seriously, our defenses are going to play to a draw. So are our running backs. The one huge feather we have in our cap is that Roethlisberger is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL and Joe Flacco is some uni-browed dude from Delaware. Ben needs to win this game for us.

And I think he can. I'm sure he's somehow pissed at himself for getting the shit kicked out of him in Philly and he wants to prove that he's still great and the Steelers themselves are still great.

The only way to do that is to come out and pretty much win the game all by himself.

Prediction:

Steelers 14, Ravens 10

Steelers vs. Eagles Review

Well, that sucked big, hairy, sweaty balls. I can't think of a time in recent memory where we got our asses kicked up and down the line of scrimmage like we did on Sunday. Closest I can come is that game we lost to Jacksonville in 2006 by the stirring score of 9-0. Pretty much the same frustration level and pretty much the same feeling of, "Well, they're up by six. This game is over."

The offense looked terrible, both running and throwing the ball, and, really, you can't say that we were outcoached, we were simply outflanked and outhustled. I was listening to the radio this morning and they broke down all nine sacks. On all nine occasions, the Eagles either brought as many guys as there were blockers, or fewer guys than there were blockers, and didn't once bring more than the Steelers could block. That's right. Never had an odd-man rush. Never had a guy spring completely free. They just blew us right the fuck off the ball.

I was thinking this afternoon that we should have made some adjustments, thrown more screen passes, run more draw plays, get Mendenhall more involved (yeah, I really thought I jinxed Fast Willie on that one), and throw more slants and skinny posts. But, we tried three of those things (didn't get Mendenhall involved and didn't run draw plays) and they didn't work. The Eagles just had our number. They kicked our asses fair and square. Shit happens.

So, take the game film on the offensive line and burn it in the same trash can that burned the footage from the 2002 AFC Championship game. Well, the Steelers destroyed all their footage from that game. Maybe not so much the Patriots.

I thought the defense played very well. I thought they were the reason the game was only 15-6 instead of 15-0, because they set the offense up with short fields for both scores. If they hadn't played as well as they did, it probably would have been more like 22-0 or 30-0, or something obscene like that.

They're still doing what they need to do: Stop the run, pressure the quarterback, force turnovers. As long as they continue to do that, we should be fine. We should be fine, not necessarily guaranteeing that we will be fine.

A few other thoughts:

1. Counting the plays where the quarterbacks have been sacked, Leftwich and Roethlisberger have been sacked a total of 13 times in 83 dropbacks. That's once every six times someone goes back to pass. To put that in perspective, if we let up sacks at this rate in 2006 and 2007, Ben would have been sacked 73 times in 2006 and 63 times in 2007. The actual numbers for those years were 46 times and 47 times, respectively. So, that's no good.
2. I definitely haven't given up the faith yet. The Steelers are still going to win the division. Cleveland sucks, Cincinnati sucks worse, and the hated Ravens are merely bad. They're the least sucky team in a triumverate of suck, which is kinda like being the leper with the best dick.
3. The Steelers coaches will get this mess cleaned up. As bad as things were yesterday... well, they really couldn't get much worse. The good news is that Ben is okay and it's just one game. One non-conference game at that. Chances are that no team will blow us off the ball like Philly did on Sunday.
4. Bad news is this: If there is a team that can do to us what the Eagles did on Sunday... it's the hated Ravens.
   

16 Reasons the Eagles Make Me Poop My Pants

Fair warning: This one's pretty serious. The Eagles kinda do make me poop my pants. Or at least prairie dog a little.

1. The Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb combination is very impressive, I have to admit. If you look at their receivers, their top three guys are (in no real order) Hank Baskett, Greg Lewis, and DeSean Jackson. Heading into the season, no one outside of avid fantasy football players and Eagles fans knew who the hell any of these guys were. Former first round pick Reggie Brown is hurt and they've still scored 75 points in their first two games. And it's mostly McNabb. So, yeah. Gotta find a way to stop that guy.
2. Jackson has been the rookie receiver sensation in the early going. He's 5'10" and weighs about as much as my right nut, but he has great feet, is also involved in the return game, and he's fast as hell. He's kinda like Antwaan Randle-El, except he can't play quarterback in a pinch, he's faster, and returning kicks and playing receiver is all he's ever done. We don't have anyone on defense that can run with him. The best idea is going to be to put Ryan Clark on the goal line and wait for Jackson to drop the ball before he crosses the plane. Dick LeBeau has been pretty effective in designing ways to take a fast guy out of the game and he'll need to pull everything out of his bag of tricks for this game.
3. One way he's stopped really fast guys is by blitzing the hell out of the quarterback, but playing a very conservative Cover 2 defense on the back end. That would work well, except for the fact that Jackson isn't the Eagles most dangerous player. Not even close.
4. That would be Brian Westbrook. In 2004, Philly really didn't know how to use him effectively and he was just their cute, little back that could catch the ball. Now, they're running him to the outside, designing passing plays for him to run out of the backfield, and lining him up at wide receiver. All to get him the ball in space where he can downright kill you. However, as James Farrior learned in 2004, the best way to stop Westbrook is to square up on him, not get faked out, and then fucking punish him because he makes DeSean Jackson look obese.
5. And that's really the strategy for those two guys. They're not sissies by any stretch of the imagination, but they are a lot smaller than the guys we have on defense. Ike Taylor and Bryant McFadden need to smack Jackson around at the line -- before, ya know, they're not allowed to touch him -- and Troy and Clark need to punish him when he does catch the ball. There's a reason that "two for flinching" works. You get hit enough, those damned human reflexes take over and you brace for impact instead of trying to determine whether or not (and how hard) you're going to get hit.
6. McNabb is a hell of a player and he's a big, strong dude, but he's had a lot of injuries in the past few years. He's generally one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL... until he goes on injured reserve. So, while I'm not saying that we put a hit out on him, I am saying that we should sick Lawrence Timmons on him. That man is an eliminator. He makes solid contact and very rarely misses a tackle. We should tell him that McNabb banged his mother and didn't tip her. That he punches babies. That he took a leak in Timmons' Gatorade. That McNabb once sodomized Bobby Bowden and game him a dirty sanchez. Basically, anything to make him hate McNabb more and make him want to go kill that dirty, sodomite bastard.
7. Pressure, in general, though, is the only way we're going to shut this offense down. They scored 38 against the Rams and 37 against the Cowboys. The common thread in both of those games is that McNabb's uniform barely got dirty. The Eagles offensive line is doing a hell of a job in the early going, but their opponents have kind of sucked at pressuring McNabb. With Brett Kiesel out, it's up to Timmons, LaMar Woodley, James Harrison, and, to a lesser extent, Aaron Smith to crash the pocket and get in McNabb's face. He's a strong dude and he's tough to bring down, but he's nowhere near as much of an escape artist as Roethlisberger and, since his coaches have been beating it into his head for the last ten years that he needs to be a pocket passer, he's no longer a threat to scramble for big yardage. We don't have the speed in the secondary to keep up with Jackson and their other receivers and, if we play too much Cover 2, they'll eat us up underneath. They're too smart, so we need to beat that fancy book learnin' out of them. The only way McNabb is going to be unable to get the ball to his receivers -- and they'll be open, trust me -- is if he's on his back or getting hit. We did it in 2004, we (hopefully) can do it again.
8. I know I keep referencing 2004, but that's exactly what we need to do -- attack the line of scrimmage, pressure McNabb, and make it very difficult for the receivers to get off the ball. The pressure on McNabb is the key, though. Eagles analyst Ed Rendell said that, in 2004, the most impressive team he saw was the Pittsburgh Steelers. That includes the New England Patriots, who beat us (and our fantastic defense, scoring 41 goddamn points) and also beat... the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl. He was so impressed by us because of the different ways we were able to get to McNabb and the way we neutralized Terrell Owens. Well, Owens is obviously no longer with the team, but Troy was the one who took him out of that game, and there's no way in hell he can hang with Jackson. The other downside is that that 2004 game against the Eagles is the second best defensive effort I've seen from the Steelers this century (the first being in the Divisonal Round against the Colts the year we won three playoff games on the road, then Super Bowl XL. That's right, kids! We won Super Bowl XL! Been a while since I mentioned that). At any rate, it's probably wishful thinking that we'll be able to duplicate our second best defensive effort of the century. On the bright side, the Eagles aren't as explosive offensively as they were back then (Westbrook was younger, they had Owens, McNabb was still a threat to run, their offensive line was better), so we'll probably just need a top-15 peformance. And, hell, that should be easy.
9. Speaking of defense, Philly held the Rams to three points in Week 1. But, the Rams kinda suck. Okay, so they really suck and Scott Linehan has less job security than a quadrapelegic lifeguard. The important thing to remember is that they let up 41 points to the Cowboys. Our offense isn't as good as the Cowboys offense, but I'd say our talent puts us closer to 41 points than three points.
10. As far as our offensive line versus their front seven, we match up real well against them. We should have plenty of success blowing them off the ball and in the running game and, really, they're going to need to blitz a lot to get to Roethlisberger, even with our crappy pass protection. They've stockpiled a lot more talent in their secondary over the past few years and it shows.
11. So, basically, the best defense is going to be a good offense. I'm thinking we need to get Rashard Mendenhall involved and hope to hell he doesn't fumble. Fast Willie is still the guy and he has looked fantastic thus far, but I'm thinking Tomlin needs to put on the ol' Cowher pants and walk around for a while in this game. The best way to defend against this team is going to be to play keepaway and strand McNabb and company on the sidelines.
12. Where they have talent and where they've spent their money is in the secondary, where they have five good-to-great players and only four spots. Asante Samuel knows how to cover our guys from his days with the Patriots, Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown are both Pro Bowl caliber guys, and Brian Dawkins and Michael Lewis have already been there. And so has Samuel. However, they got burned more times than a near-sighted crack head last week against Dallas. The issue is that these are guys that have horrible short-term memories and a ton of confidence. So, it's not like Asante Samuel is sitting in his mansion, thinking, "Damn. I'm a fraud. It's only a matter of time before I'm discovered. I wonder if I'll have to give up my signing bonus." No, it's more like he's thinking, "Those damn refs fucked me. I'm gonna do twice as good this week. No one believes in me, but I know I'm the awesomest human ever to lace up cleats." That confidence means that we need to take a couple of shots deep early on. That's pretty much on Santonio Holmes, because he's, by far, the best deep receiver we've got. I think Ben has it left in his shoulder to throw a couple of 50 yard bombs in the first quarter. Hopefully, we can complete at least one of those and get in their heads. But, I'll settle for the yards and maybe a touchdown.
    
13. Need to get Heath involved in this game. With how well the secondary matches up against our receivers, we need to take advantage of the fact that they don't have anyone that can cover Heath well. Dawkins and Lewis are good cover guys, but they're too small. Their linebackers are big enough, but they're too slow and not good enough in coverage. I have a feeling that they're going to stack the line and try to stuff the run, because they can see Tomlin trying to squeeze his way into the Cowher pants. The two best ways to get them to back off the line are to hit some plays deep to the receivers and hit Heath in the seam.
14. We can't give up too many big plays on defense and we need to hit the big play opportunities that we have on offense. If this thing turns into a shootout, we're fucked. The offense is starting to grow into more of a high-powered unit (heh heh, high-powered unit), but it's not at the level that Dallas is at and, realistically, the Cowboys were at home. In Philly, they probably lose on Monday night.
15. We need to make some plays on special teams. And... that's probably not gonna happen.
16. We need to win the turnover battle. We haven't been mistake prone thus far and we've forced a few turnovers and made some big plays on defense, so this shouldn't be an issue. But, you never know. Turnovers are weird things. Sometimes, the ball bounces for the other team.

Prediction:

I still don't think we have enough. This Eagles team is at home, they're playing with a lot of confidence, and I don't see a top-15 performance coming out of our defense.

If we do manage to win the turnover battle, slow down the game by running the ball, limit big plays on defense, and strike with a few big plays on offense, then we can win. And, if we win, then we'll further cement ourselves as the team to beat in the AFC, with all the favorites and Cinderellas currently mired in a world of shit.

Still, though. Don't think it's gonna happen.

Eagles 28, Steelers 24

Steeler vs. Browns Review

In all honesty, I don't know that there's too much to say about last night's game. The weather was a huge factor, so it's kind of like game against Miami last season in that we can't be sure what we have, since the elements made it difficult to evaluate everyone.

Apparently, Ben's got a separated shoulder, but that definitely didn't seem to affect the velocity, distance, delivery, or spiral of his passes. If he can throw the ball that well, that fast, that far in 40 MPH winds with a separated shoulder, then that's cool. And, judging by the fact that no one can seem to get anything out of either Roethlisberger or Tomlin at this point, that's pretty much where we have to leave it.

It looks like we got out of the game with a win and we got out of the game healthy, so no complaints here.

The Steelers are now 2-0, Tom Brady's out for the season, the Chargers are 0-2, so are the Jaguars (and they have a ton of injuries), and the Colts look pretty damn crappy (though they can't help but get better).

I have to say that I really like the way the AFC is shaping up.

16 Reasons the Browns Make Me Poop My Pants

1. Browns. Poop. Poop. Browns. Cleveland's... Cleveland's like shit. If you'll excuse me, I've had a lot bran today and I need to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
2. Ahhhhhh. That's better.
3. So, their offensive line is really, really good. They had some trouble with Dallas in Week 1 and Dallas runs a 3-4 just like us, but I think it's that not everyone has settled in yet. After all, Eric Steinbach and Joe Thomas are now the best left side in the NFL and it's not like they just started sucking overnight.
   
4. Remember what we did to Cleveland (at Cleveland) in Week 1 last year? Remember what happened the next game? The offense came alive, that's what. Now, our defense is much better than the Bengals defense, but I could still still Cleveland getting a serious mad-on and putting up 27 or 31 points on us.
5. That's the problem. They lost last week. Expectations are high. This is a division game. It's the Steelers. No matter how crappy they've been since they came back, they've always played us tough at least one game a year. A bounce here, a bounce there, and they could've won a few of those games.
6. The defense has a bunch of new starters. Why does this make me poop my pants? Well, they're good players, they're just in a new system and they're still getting used to it. Maybe they figure everything out in Week 5, maybe Week 10. If they figure it out Sunday night -- especially the defensive linemen -- then we got issues. Shaun Rogers is practically unstoppable when he's motivated. Corey Williams was a very capable defensive tackle in Green Bay, then the Browns moved him to end. Sunday night in front of a national audience against the new favorite in the AFC (who also happens to be a division rival) sounds like motivation enough for me. Maybe Williams figures out how to play end in the 3-4 on Sunday. Maybe not. We shall see.
7. The Browns, for the first time in a long time, are expected to win. They're expected to be good. They have seven Pro Bowlers. With great power comes great responsibility. Do they step up? I doubt it, but they very well could... at home, nationally televised game, season practically on the line at this early juncture. It's not a "must win" for them, but it's a "man we better fucking win this game" for them.
8. Joshua Cribbs. He almost won the second game by himself last season. He's a good dude. He's coming off a Pro Bowl year and he was hurt last week. He smells blood and he's pissed off. Bad, bad, baaaaaaaaaaaaaad combination.
9. Number of games we've won in a row in this series. What? I can't poop my pants because I'm happy? Or because I'm too busy looking up statistics on the Internet?
10. Roethlisberger was limited in practice this week and Tomlin is not concerned about his knee. He's concerned about Big Ben's shoulder. His right one. That's the arm he throws with. For those of you who aren't "football insiders" it's bad when someone that throws the ball for a living hurts the arm that they throw with. It's worse when a coach is concerned about it. It's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the hell worse when he's worried enough about it to say something in front of the media about it.
11. The Browns actually have good linebackers and we've already talked about how good their defensive linemen are/can be. That makes for a good front seven. Now, we blew the Texans off the ball in Week 1, but this is a new week. Against a team that got their asses kicked in the trenches the week before. And we're the Steelers. And they're the Browns. Did I mention that we've won nine in a row and that they hate us? And that the game is going to be nationally televised? John Madden and everything.
12. Their secondary? Not so good. Pretty shitty, actually. They lost three guys either to injury, trade, or release and they haven't re-stocked the cabinets. The guys they lost were starters. So, they've got back-ups starting and... not a whole lot behind that. Why does this make me poop my pants? We need Ben to throw to our receivers and Heath in order to take advantage of Cleveland's brown secondary... see #10.
13. Derek Anderson has a Kordell-like short leash on him and he knows it. And, I'm not talking about the leash that he and Cowher used in Schenley Park, I'm talking about the fact that Kordell got yanked (he he, yanked) the season after leading the Steelers on a surprising playoff run and going to the Pro Bowl. That was in 2002. In the second game. Against the Browns. Just saying. Anderson will be motivated to not have another crappy game with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings.
14. Romeo Crennell knows that the Browns are going to flush his ass if he doesn't win this year. He's been on his guys all week about how bad they played and how big this game is. He's going to be ready. And he's going to be aggressive.
15. Braylon Edwards is a very, very good player. He took a lot of flak this week for dropping four balls in the opener. He'll be motivated.
16. Kellen Winslow is a soldier. He's got soul and he's a soldier. He's got soul and he's a soldier. He's got soul and he's a soldier.

Predition:

All intangibles aside, the Steelers are still a lot better than the Browns. Our offense is significantly better than their defense and their offense is not that much better than our defense. Especially since Dick LeBeau has been thinking of ways to confuse their offensive line all week, after seeing the Cowboys do a damn good job of it.

Special teams will be an issue. But, as last season proved, Joshua Cribbs can't win the game all by himself. He can come close, but he can't actually do it.

If Roethlisberger's shoulder is okay, they've got too much talent and too much veteran leadership to go to Cleveland and lose. The Browns may jump on us early, because they're way more pumped about this game than we are, but, if we can withstand that initial shot (and I think we can), we win this game.

Not easily, but we win it.

Steelers 28, Browns 20

Bonus EK prediction:

Steelers 28, Browns 10

Texans at Steelers Review

In all honesty, there wasn't much not to like. I was actually fairly nervous about this game. I predicted 38-24, Steelers (pretty close, no?), but I really thought there was a chance it could go the other way.

A few thoughts...

1. The linebackers definitely stepped up, with Lamar Woodley being particularly impressive. They were all over the place, got to Schaub even when they were held, and, once again, I have to say that James Harrison is better than I give him credit for being. At some point, in my mind, he'll be so underrated that he's overrated, but we haven't reached that point yet.
2. Randy Cross and Gus Johnson were all over Marvel Smith's junk, but I thought he only did okay. Mario Williams is probably the second or third best end that he'll face over the course of the regular season, so that's good news, but he still allowed two sacks and was the man that let Williams through on the forced fumble.
3. The run blocking was phenomenal and the offensive line is way ahead of where I thought they'd be. That's good news. As Winston Wolf would say, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet," but it was a very impressive performance against a front seven that doesn't get the credit it deserves. The three guys they drafted in the first round on the defensive line the past few years are good players and DeMeco Ryans is no slouch. It's not like we pushed around a punch of... uh, pushovers... this afternoon. These guys are good and we made them look like our bitches.
4. Weidman summed the game up well about halfway through the fourth quarter when he said, "My God. I think the police are going to need to give the Texans a doll after this game and have them describe where the Steelers touched them." No real analysis there, just thought it was funny. "The bad men touched me there... and put their helmets there... and tackled me here..."
5. Mendenhall held onto the football and looked real good. If you noticed, on Fast Willie's last carry, he broke into the open, looked down the field, and said, "Fuck it. We're ahead by 25, I don't want to get hurt, and we have a damn good back-up. I'm going out of bounds." By the way, Fast Willie is back. If we had any doubts, he silenced each and every one of them today. What if we don't block as well next game? Uh... I believe I just said he silenced all doubts.
6. I think Dick LeBeau has more control over this team than everyone's letting on. Once we went into halftime with a 21-3 lead, I think LeBeau came up to Tomlin and said, "Cowher would run the ball roughly a hundred times in the second half in this situation. That's what we're going to do." It just seems like there's still a Cowher stamp on this team and that, if Tomlin had it his way, we'd have won 45-10. Just a feeling. I think that's why we're still running the 3-4 and why we came out and ran the ball in the red zone today. That's what Cowher would have done and LeBeau made sure his legacy was preserved.
7. Roethlisberger had only one incompletion, threw two touchdown passes, and only had 14 attempts. And we scored 38 points. That's Steelers football right there.
8. Even though Houston doesn't have a bad defense, we'll certainly face better defenses this year, so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.
9. But... today felt pretty damn good, didn't it?
10. I'm watching the Cowboys embarrass the Browns right now. So, they'll be fired up next week.
    

Season Prediction

I... guess I maybe should've posted this before I posted my prediction for Sunday, but here goes...

When you look at the schedule as a whole, it looks pretty damn daunting. There were two Wild Card teams in each conference last year and we play the two divisions that had those Wild Card teams, plus each division winner for the AFC (who all finished better than we did, because we were the 4th out of 4 division winning seeds). So, that all adds up to something like a .591 record from last season for the teams that we play this season.

Well, first of all, last season was last season. As much as coaches like to use that as a motivational tool, it's a cliche. But, it's also true. A number of those teams aren't as good coming into this season as they were last season, so let's break it down.

Divisional Games:

Quite frankly, our division sucks. We're the only team without any glaring holes. And, for those of you that are educated Steelers fans (i.e., you read this blog and know that our offensive line sucks sweaty balls), every team in our division has a bigger hole than we do.

Browns:

Their linebackers are more suspect than our offensive line, their cornerbacks look downright stable compared to their linebackers, and they're hinging their season on someone that wasn't a good enough quarterback to make the roster of the hated Ravens.

We at least split.

Hated Ravens:

They're marching into this season with a gimpy tailback and a rookie quarterback. The immortal Kyle Boller is now on injured reserve and midget Troy Smith is warming up in the bullpen. Sure, they have a great defense with a lot of big names. But, how long until the defense turns against the offense and starts pointing fingers?

I say Week 4, the first time we play them? Too soon? Okay, Week 15, when we play them again. At some point, it's gonna hapen, and they're going to implode... just like last year.

We Sweep.

Bungles:

Where to start? That their star receiver changed his name after holding out all offseason, then busting his labrum (which sounds like a part of the female reproductive system)? That their defense still sucks? That they cut their only consistent offensive weapon in Rudi Johnson? That they re-signed Chris Henry after he embarrassed the franchise?

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just say this...

We Sweep.

Overall Record: 5-1.

AFC South Games:

The Texans are still technically an expansion franchise and the Titans suck way worse than last year, where they were lucky to win 10 games. Peyton Manning has a gimpy knee, but we still play Jacksonville in Jacksonville.

Worst Case, We Split.

Overall Record: 7-3.

Division Winners:

Unless Tom Brady sits out the game with his foot injury, or freakin' everyone on the Chargers gets hurt, we lose both these games. It's okay, though, since we draw a non-conference schedule that's not too bad and includes the rival Cowboys.

We lose.

Overall Record: 7-5.

Non-Conference Schedule:

The Redskins are overrated and I don't trust Jason Campbell. The Eagles will be without Donovan McNabb, or will suffer a strained vagina (definitely part of the female reproductive system) and be placed on IR. We'll beat the Cowboys, because that's what we do. It's not the 90's and we do what we do better than they do what they do. I don't care if that doesn't make any sense. This is high-level football analysis and we are not losing to the fucking Cowboys.

We'll lose to the Giants, though, because their front seven will overpower our offensive line and Eli will do just enough to win.

We win, 3-1.

Overall Record: 10-6.

We win the division because, like I said, our division sucks. I think we draw a weak 5 seed, though, and make it to the divisional round, where we lose. Not mightily, but not a close game, either.

16 Reasons the Texans Make Me Poop My Pants

So, we've got a new format. There are going to be 16 reasons every week that I think we're going to lose, followed by a quick summary and prediction. There's any easy way to tell if I think we're going to win or lose: If the reasons in the numbered list look a little shaky (or sarcastic, like this list is gonna be), then that means I think we're going to win. If I sound genuinely afraid, that means I think we're going to lose.

I cannot take credit for this idea, since Weidman came up with the title and every other fly-by-night Web site that came up with the idea of running sets of lists instead of actually saying something. There are good reasons to run lists.

1. It's easy to write.
2. It's easy to read.
3. It follows a logical order.
4. You can fuck around with the logical order.
5. See? I'm already up to 5! I should've done this years ago!

Without further ado, the 16 Reasons the Texans Make Me Poop My Pants:

1. Gary Kubiak and his offensive line coach, Alex Gibbs (yes, of the Joe Gibbs's) freak me out. They play dirty and they look tan doing it. They're both a kind of bitchy organge and if that doesn't strike fear into the hearts of players, then the fact that they're intentionally trying to injure our guys on defense should strike fear into our guys.
2. Have you heard about Andre Johnson? He's big, fast, has great hands, and would suppress the English with fire balls from his eyes and lightning bolts from his arse... but seriously, folks... we don't have a guy that can cover Andre Johnson, we should be worried. Shit, if we put our three best dudes on Johnson (that sounds dirty), we still couldn't cover him. And Matt Schaub (the quarterback of the Houston Texans) looks at Johnson all the time (that really sounds dirty). If he's open, Schaub will get him the ball. A lot. That's bad.
3. Think about this for a second: The 16 Reasons the Browns Make Me Poop My Pants. I may need to expand that to 35 Reasons, so I can fit all the jokes in there. Browns? Poop? This shit writes itself!
4. So, when we played the Texans in 2005, we ended up with eight sacks and Troy had three of them. That was back when they had David Carr and a crappy offensive line. Now, they still have a pretty crappy offensive line, but Carr was released. They now have Schaub, who gets rid of the ball a lot quicker. Crappy offensive line + aggressive defense + QB who holds the ball too long = Eight sacks. Crappy offensive line + aggressive defense - QB with quick release - Johnson = Dick Up Ass.
5. Mario Williams, Travis Johnson, and Amobe Akoye were all drafted in the top 15. What do they all have in common? They're all starters on Houston's defensive line. Did I mention, at any point this offseason, that our offensive line kinda sucks? Well, it does. This could be a very bad match-up.
6. Rashard Mendenhall still has a bad case of fumble-itis as far as I'm concerned. Until he makes it through three straight games without fumbling, I'm still wincing every time he carries the ball.
7. Sure, sure, the theory is that Dick LeBeau held back in the pre-season and is now going to rain all kinds of evil hellfire down on opposing offenses... but, judging by what we saw in the preseason, this defense looks pretty damn bad.
8. The average age of our defensive linemen is Death.
9. We traded Sean Mahan back to Tampa a year after we signed him to a five year deal. And... Justin Hartwig's supposed to be the answer? You're sure? You're... you're sure? I wish Hartings would bang the rust off his knees and come back. Or Dermonti Dawson. Or Mike Web... ew. Too soon?
10. After posting a losing record every season since they came into the league in 2002, the Texans finished 8-8 in 2007. They're primed for a breakout year! No one can lose year after year, right? Hmmm.... Bungles, Cardinals, Lions... well, this is Houston's year!
11. Most embarrassing loss in Heinz Field history.
12. The first team offense didn't look all that great in the preseason, either. The only person that really looked good was Jeff Reed. And, when your kicker is the highlight of your preseason, you could be in for a really long regular season.
13. The Steelers tend to play to the level of their competition.
14. Just in case you needed a reminder.
15. The Texans depth chart at running back is as follows: Ahman Green, Chris Taylor, Steve Slaton. That's a cyclone of talent at the tailback position. Oh, wait. No it isn't.
16. Did I mention that the offensive line still sucks? And that the Texans have three top-15 picks on their defensive line? And DeMeco Ryans, the former Defensive Rookie of the Year at linebacker? And Dunta Robinson, the guy I wished the Steelers would've drafted the year they drafted Roethlisberger? Well, they do.

Summary:

I'm sorry, but they're still the Texans. Until they can prove they don't suck, they still suck. Hopefully, they don't prove that they don't suck against the Steelers.

I think we give up more than our fair share of points, but that we score a lot, too, and end up winning.

Prediction:

Steelers 38, Texans 24