16 Reasons the Texans Make Me Poop My Pants

So, we've got a new format. There are going to be 16 reasons every week that I think we're going to lose, followed by a quick summary and prediction. There's any easy way to tell if I think we're going to win or lose: If the reasons in the numbered list look a little shaky (or sarcastic, like this list is gonna be), then that means I think we're going to win. If I sound genuinely afraid, that means I think we're going to lose.

I cannot take credit for this idea, since Weidman came up with the title and every other fly-by-night Web site that came up with the idea of running sets of lists instead of actually saying something. There are good reasons to run lists.

1. It's easy to write.
2. It's easy to read.
3. It follows a logical order.
4. You can fuck around with the logical order.
5. See? I'm already up to 5! I should've done this years ago!

Without further ado, the 16 Reasons the Texans Make Me Poop My Pants:

1. Gary Kubiak and his offensive line coach, Alex Gibbs (yes, of the Joe Gibbs's) freak me out. They play dirty and they look tan doing it. They're both a kind of bitchy organge and if that doesn't strike fear into the hearts of players, then the fact that they're intentionally trying to injure our guys on defense should strike fear into our guys.
2. Have you heard about Andre Johnson? He's big, fast, has great hands, and would suppress the English with fire balls from his eyes and lightning bolts from his arse... but seriously, folks... we don't have a guy that can cover Andre Johnson, we should be worried. Shit, if we put our three best dudes on Johnson (that sounds dirty), we still couldn't cover him. And Matt Schaub (the quarterback of the Houston Texans) looks at Johnson all the time (that really sounds dirty). If he's open, Schaub will get him the ball. A lot. That's bad.
3. Think about this for a second: The 16 Reasons the Browns Make Me Poop My Pants. I may need to expand that to 35 Reasons, so I can fit all the jokes in there. Browns? Poop? This shit writes itself!
4. So, when we played the Texans in 2005, we ended up with eight sacks and Troy had three of them. That was back when they had David Carr and a crappy offensive line. Now, they still have a pretty crappy offensive line, but Carr was released. They now have Schaub, who gets rid of the ball a lot quicker. Crappy offensive line + aggressive defense + QB who holds the ball too long = Eight sacks. Crappy offensive line + aggressive defense - QB with quick release - Johnson = Dick Up Ass.
5. Mario Williams, Travis Johnson, and Amobe Akoye were all drafted in the top 15. What do they all have in common? They're all starters on Houston's defensive line. Did I mention, at any point this offseason, that our offensive line kinda sucks? Well, it does. This could be a very bad match-up.
6. Rashard Mendenhall still has a bad case of fumble-itis as far as I'm concerned. Until he makes it through three straight games without fumbling, I'm still wincing every time he carries the ball.
7. Sure, sure, the theory is that Dick LeBeau held back in the pre-season and is now going to rain all kinds of evil hellfire down on opposing offenses... but, judging by what we saw in the preseason, this defense looks pretty damn bad.
8. The average age of our defensive linemen is Death.
9. We traded Sean Mahan back to Tampa a year after we signed him to a five year deal. And... Justin Hartwig's supposed to be the answer? You're sure? You're... you're sure? I wish Hartings would bang the rust off his knees and come back. Or Dermonti Dawson. Or Mike Web... ew. Too soon?
10. After posting a losing record every season since they came into the league in 2002, the Texans finished 8-8 in 2007. They're primed for a breakout year! No one can lose year after year, right? Hmmm.... Bungles, Cardinals, Lions... well, this is Houston's year!
11. Most embarrassing loss in Heinz Field history.
12. The first team offense didn't look all that great in the preseason, either. The only person that really looked good was Jeff Reed. And, when your kicker is the highlight of your preseason, you could be in for a really long regular season.
13. The Steelers tend to play to the level of their competition.
14. Just in case you needed a reminder.
15. The Texans depth chart at running back is as follows: Ahman Green, Chris Taylor, Steve Slaton. That's a cyclone of talent at the tailback position. Oh, wait. No it isn't.
16. Did I mention that the offensive line still sucks? And that the Texans have three top-15 picks on their defensive line? And DeMeco Ryans, the former Defensive Rookie of the Year at linebacker? And Dunta Robinson, the guy I wished the Steelers would've drafted the year they drafted Roethlisberger? Well, they do.

Summary:

I'm sorry, but they're still the Texans. Until they can prove they don't suck, they still suck. Hopefully, they don't prove that they don't suck against the Steelers.

I think we give up more than our fair share of points, but that we score a lot, too, and end up winning.

Prediction:

Steelers 38, Texans 24