Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Season Prediction

I... guess I maybe should've posted this before I posted my prediction for Sunday, but here goes...

When you look at the schedule as a whole, it looks pretty damn daunting. There were two Wild Card teams in each conference last year and we play the two divisions that had those Wild Card teams, plus each division winner for the AFC (who all finished better than we did, because we were the 4th out of 4 division winning seeds). So, that all adds up to something like a .591 record from last season for the teams that we play this season.

Well, first of all, last season was last season. As much as coaches like to use that as a motivational tool, it's a cliche. But, it's also true. A number of those teams aren't as good coming into this season as they were last season, so let's break it down.

Divisional Games:

Quite frankly, our division sucks. We're the only team without any glaring holes. And, for those of you that are educated Steelers fans (i.e., you read this blog and know that our offensive line sucks sweaty balls), every team in our division has a bigger hole than we do.


Their linebackers are more suspect than our offensive line, their cornerbacks look downright stable compared to their linebackers, and they're hinging their season on someone that wasn't a good enough quarterback to make the roster of the hated Ravens.

We at least split.

Hated Ravens:

They're marching into this season with a gimpy tailback and a rookie quarterback. The immortal Kyle Boller is now on injured reserve and midget Troy Smith is warming up in the bullpen. Sure, they have a great defense with a lot of big names. But, how long until the defense turns against the offense and starts pointing fingers?

I say Week 4, the first time we play them? Too soon? Okay, Week 15, when we play them again. At some point, it's gonna hapen, and they're going to implode... just like last year.

We Sweep.


Where to start? That their star receiver changed his name after holding out all offseason, then busting his labrum (which sounds like a part of the female reproductive system)? That their defense still sucks? That they cut their only consistent offensive weapon in Rudi Johnson? That they re-signed Chris Henry after he embarrassed the franchise?

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just say this...

We Sweep.

Overall Record: 5-1.

AFC South Games:

The Texans are still technically an expansion franchise and the Titans suck way worse than last year, where they were lucky to win 10 games. Peyton Manning has a gimpy knee, but we still play Jacksonville in Jacksonville.

Worst Case, We Split.

Overall Record: 7-3.

Division Winners:

Unless Tom Brady sits out the game with his foot injury, or freakin' everyone on the Chargers gets hurt, we lose both these games. It's okay, though, since we draw a non-conference schedule that's not too bad and includes the rival Cowboys.

We lose.

Overall Record: 7-5.

Non-Conference Schedule:

The Redskins are overrated and I don't trust Jason Campbell. The Eagles will be without Donovan McNabb, or will suffer a strained vagina (definitely part of the female reproductive system) and be placed on IR. We'll beat the Cowboys, because that's what we do. It's not the 90's and we do what we do better than they do what they do. I don't care if that doesn't make any sense. This is high-level football analysis and we are not losing to the fucking Cowboys.

We'll lose to the Giants, though, because their front seven will overpower our offensive line and Eli will do just enough to win.

We win, 3-1.

Overall Record: 10-6.

We win the division because, like I said, our division sucks. I think we draw a weak 5 seed, though, and make it to the divisional round, where we lose. Not mightily, but not a close game, either.

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