For real? For serious? I have to say that the Bengals don't make me poop my pants. History makes me poop my pants. And not history like the Defenestration of Prague or the Mighty Shit Uprising of Lictenstein, but Steelers history.
- Remember when the Steelers were the team to beat in the division and the Bengals were sucking big, fat balls? Well, it happend about 487 times during the Cowher Era and, according to statistics, the Steelers ended up losing 463 of those contests. Maybe I should check my facts on that, but I do know that the Bengals went 3-13 one year, but still swept us. Yes. We accounted for a full two thirds of Bengals victories that year.
- What's that? Cowher retired in 2006? How about this for evidence of playing to the level of our competition during the Tomlin Era. Or, possibly, this. And maybe this.
- TJ Houshmanzadeh is the Carl Pickens of this era. We've successfully shut down Chad Buenos Noches, or whatever the hell his name is now, over the course of his career. Most of the credit for that goes to kickoff-ball-bitch Ike Taylor, who will be covering Cinco de Mayo on Sunday. And gracias El Senor for that. But, Housh has downright destroyed us throughout his career, no matter how crappy the Bengals were at the time.
- Even after the bye week, Fast Willie is doubtful for this game. That sucks, because he usually destroys teams with bad defensive lines and slow linebackers like the Bengals.
- Even after the bye week, Casey Hampton is probably not going to be back.
- At least Brett Keisel is back. I mean, he's right on schedule and the other two guys have real, male injuries like knees and groins, but Diesel just hurt his calf. So, I'm glad he's back.
- Ben had a chance to rest his various, nagging injuries. So that's good. Glad he might finally be over that strained vagina.
- The actual good news is that, since Willie is going to be out again and we have Mewelde Moore, the Closet Pooper, and Gary Russell, that means we're going to throw a lot. And, well, even though the Bengals have some crappy defensive linemen and slow linebackers, they also have a pretty crappy secondary. Plus which, we could probably put Aaron Smith in at tailback and have him gain 80 yards, so it's good that we won't have to lean too much on the run and probably won't have to lean too much on the pass. We might *gasp* actually have a balanced attack. Granted it will have happened by force and by injury, but it's never a bad thing to run a balanced offense.
- Cincinnati let Rudi Johnson go because they thought he was used up and wasn't really going to do anything for them at any point in the future. When they did that, they pinned their hopes on Chris Perry. Chris Perry sucks major balls. Now, the Steelers have themselves a great run defense -- even without Hampton and it's going to get better with Keisel in there -- but the Bengals have made some pretty dismal run defenses look pretty damn good thus far this season. So, Perry's not going to be too much of a factor.
- Anyone who can't beat out Suck Ass Perry for a job probably isn't worth a damn, either, so that means that we don't have to fear the likes of De De Dorsey or Kenny Watson coming out of nowhere and destroying us.
- We also shouldn't worry too much about Ryan Fitzpatrick, who will be starting because Cornhole Champion Carson Palmer will be resting his sore elbow. He probably hurt it cornholing too much. To say that Fitzpatrick has looked fucking terrible thus far is an insult to both the word fucking and the word terrible. He has not been worth six ounces of dog shit to this point, so the Steelers shouldn't fear him.
- Santonio Holmes is to the Bengals what Carl Pickens and Housh have been to the Steelers. He's had big games in Cincinnati and I think he has another one on Sunday.
- Hines Ward has also been a Bengal killer, so look for him to steal a touchdown from Heath Miller and my fantasy team in the red zone. At least one. When he's not getting fine. Friggin' bureaucrats.
- I have officially decided that Marvin Lewis is a bad coach. He doesn't manage the game well, takes timeouts at the wrong points, and has, at different points splintered his locker room by saying that Chris Henry wasn't welcome on the team and splintered the locker room when he welcomed Henry back after the owners said he had to. It looked for a while as though he was the man responsible for turning around the most inept, dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (yes, worse than Detroit and Steelers West), but it turns out that they really just had one good year and a couple years where they went 8-8. So, really, the've only had one non-losing season since they lost the Super Bowl in, like, 1743. It's been a while, however long ago it was.
- The home crowd has lost their faith in the team and a number of season ticket holders have put their seats up on StubHub and eBay. So, unless some miracle shit happens, it's not like the crowd is going to rally around them and carry them through in the fourth quarter. More than likely, everyone will look like the old dude in a commercial about irregular bladders or diarrhea.
- Seriously, if the Steelers lose this one, then they don't belong in the conversation of elite NFL teams. They got in that conversation with gutsy wins over the hated Ravens and Jaguars, then had the good fortune to draw their bye week at a time when upsets were more common than losing football teams in Ohio. They can't lose to a team that's as shitty as the Bengals and still think they're any good. It just can't happen.
The Bengals are going to be pissed off, the fans are going to be into it in the first quarter, and we'll probably have to withstand an initial burst of enthusiasm and optimism. But, ultimately, they can't hit us hard enough to make us go down for the count.
I don't think this team has the talent, the heart, or the coaching to pull off an upset. I'm going to look like a total asshole on Monday for saying that, but I believe it to be true.
Prediction:
Steelers 35, Bengals 13
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