Thursday, October 23, 2008

16 Reasons the Giants Make Me Poop My Pants

Well, obviously, since they're the World Champions and they're also 5-1 and all, the Giants do, in fact make me poop my pants. They have a lot of things going for them on both sides of the ball and they may actually have gotten better since their playoff run to end last season.

Would've been nice if the Steelers had done that in 2006 after an equally improbable run, but whatever. Our back-up center missed training camp and our coach retired. We had bigger shit to worry about. And, something about a near-fatal motorcycle accident.

  1. So, Eli Manning became the second Manning to win a Super Bowl. He became the second Manning to be named Super Bowl MVP. He became the second quarterback from the 2004 draft class to win the Big One. The first guy was also the youngest quarterback to do it. Some guy with a German name that's tough to spell. I think he wrecked his car or something. At any rate, I think Eli is tired of playing second fiddle and he's really trying to come into his own. He's not as turnover prone as he used to be, he doesn't turtle when the pass rush comes, and he generally makes a sound, accurate throw when he needs to. He'll never be as great statistically as his brother, because that clown Kevin Gilbride is his offensive coordinator, but he's pretty damn good.
  2. Thing is, you never know when Bad Eli might come out. Sure, he's more consistent than Rex Grossman, but he's less consistent than Tom Brady, or even Ben Roethlisberger. And, his big brother Peyton is having a hell of a time thus far, so it just goes to show that anyone can go through a rough patch. Granted, if you follow that logic trail, that also means that Roethlisberger can hit a rough patch. Let's move on.
  3. The Giants have the best run offense in the NFL. The Steelers have the second best run defense. Something's gotta give in this match-up and I really think it's going to be the Steelers. I don't think we'll allow anyone to rush for 100 yards -- partially because the Giants have three good guys to hand the ball to -- but I think they're going to be able to run the ball consistently on us and have some success. If you're worried about starting Brandon Jacobs in your fantasy league, don't worry. Start the man.
  4. Speaking of Jacobs, a lot of people (myself included) wanted the Steelers to take him in the 2006 draft to replace Bettis. Well, Jacobs ain't jolly and he's also ten feet tall, which means that he's also not built like a bowling ball. Sure, the two running backs both push about 260, but Jacobs is a lean 260, isn't as nimble, somehow, and runs a lot higher. There are some that say he's easy to take down and he doesn't run as big as he is. These people (Cleveland Browns) are retarded. Jacobs may not be Bettis, but he does have one very important thing going for him: He's young. Remember when Bettis was young? Well, maybe you don't. But, when Bettis was young, he was better than Jacobs. I'd take Jacobs 2006 over Bettis 2006, though, simply because of mileage.
  5. The Giants lost two of their best defensive ends in the offseason, one to injury, one to retirement... and they haven't missed a beat. They have 21 sacks, which is second best in the NFL.
  6. Who's the best with 25 sacks? So glad you asked. Why, it's your Pittsburgh Steelers! (Takes a page out of the Obama playbook) Look. James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley have 16 of those sacks. The Giants tackles are the weak point of their line. If we can somehow force Eli to throw a lot, this game is over. Remember what I said about turtling? Well, it'll happen. In order for it to happen, we'll need to score a bunch of points early.
  7. To score a bunch of points early, we'll need to throw the ball. Did I mention that our offensive line sucks and their defensive line is awesome? Well, they also like to blitz a lot. If Santonio or Ward can beat their man off the line and Ben makes the right read, we can get some long gains. If that happens, there's your bunch of scoring early.
  8. If not, we're kinda boned. Usually, teams with defensive lines that are good at getting to the quarterback are small, so they're easy to run on. Not so with this defensive line. They're crazy. They're all over the place. My theory is that they run back and forth real fast, like Quicksilver, and they're able to co-locate. Still working on data to back that up. If Fast Willie comes back, he's probably not 100%. But, Tomlin will still keep feeding him the ball, because that's what he does.
  9. Remember when I said that Fast Willie eats teams alive that have bad defensive lines and slow linebackers? I said it in the Bengals Preview. Well, whatever. That's not the case with the Giants. They have a great defensive line and fast linebackers. So, we're boned. I'm not suddenly converting into a Mewelde Moore fan. I seriously believe that Willie gives us the best chance to win. However, it'd probably be good if he gets 15 carries.
  10. Everyone likes to knock the Giants secondary, because it's obviously not possible for them to have a great front seven and a great secondary in this age of free agency and parity. Well, they're not great, but I find it hard to knock a unit that's part of a 5-1 team and happened to shut down the receivers for the Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots in consecutive weeks when there was no next game to make it up. Hey, it's possible that we can beat them with our receivers. It's possible that we can get behind them and hit a big play. It's possible that someone can catch a slant, make a guy miss, and go 80 yards for a score. As I've said, all things are possible through Jesus. But... maybe not so much on Sunday. (Dodges lightning bolt.) By that I meant this coming Sunday, not Sundays in general. Yeesh.
  11. Speaking of secondaries, because we focused so much energy on our front seven, our secondary kinda sucks. And, now Bryant McFadden -- a favorite in this space -- is hurt. So, we're back to Ike "Ball Bitch" Taylor and Deshea Townsend. Granted, the Ball Bitch matches up pretty well against Plaxico, but Eli has this knack for finding guys in big moments that you had never friggin' heard of previously. Maybe he'll be so busy turtling that he won't. But, that's a big maybe.
  12. Didja see that Max Starks started for Marvel Smith last week? Well, still, unless he starts every game at left tackle for the rest of the season, the Steelers pissed away $7 million. And, if Smith is healthy, or even Smith is 75%, he's still beating out Starks. So, I'd still like to see him in sweats. And I'm really not looking forward to him facing off against Justin Tuck. I think he's going to get destroyed and we'll need to keep five guys back there to help him.
  13. And... I made the mistake of writing half of this last night and half of this this morning. Santonio got busted for weed possession and I found out about it from Weidman on the drive in. I don't think that Kaiser Goodell is going to hand down a suspension by game time, but, needless to say, Santonio's gonna be... distracted.
  14. The tackles for the Giants offensive line may suck (okay, they don't suck, they're average, or about as good as, say, Willie Colon and Max Starks), but the two guards and the center for them are very, very good. And, since they tend to run between the tackles and not behind them, that's not so good for the Steelers. Center Shaun O'Hara reminds me of Jeff Hartings, only with two good knees. Guard Chris Snee is head coach Tom Coughlin's son-in-law. Now, there are careers where it makes a lot of sense to be married to the boss' daughter, because it means that you can cock off and no one will say anything. Like fiance, where you'll probably get the best lists, so it'll be easy to hit your numbers and, if you take in nine holes of golf, you could always be "out with an important client". Football's not really like that. Since the media has so much access, you can't play favorites (probably should be a little harder on your son-in-law so there's not even rumors about playing favorites), the coach can easily replace you for any reason and everyone, down to some dude that just has to do a Google search knows how much you make. So, he's got to worry about his on-the-field and off-the-field performance and the fact that "Dad" controls his life. At this point (he was drafted in 2004), he's gotta be pretty strung out, terrified, and set himself up so that he absolutely, positively cannot fail. If nothing else, he needs to do a good job so that he won't come home to, "Daddy says you blew a block in the third quarter and Eli got sacked. I love Eli and his wife. Why are you trying to get him hurt? Daddy thinks it's because you're unbalanced." Pretty much, he's gotta be perfect, and he's doing a damn fine job so far.
  15. Casey Hampton is back. That. Is. Friggin'. Huge. And so is he. So, it's gonna be tough for Shaun O'Hara and Pauly Shore to move him off the ball.
  16. But, really, even with Big Snack and Keisel back, I think they're going to be able to run the ball. The one thing that gives me hope is that, somehow, James Farrior suddenly gets three years younger and Tomlin finally puts Timmons in full time. But, since the odds of that are as good as the odds of Snee giving his wife anal, for fear she'll tell Daddy, I think I'm just gonna move on.
This one's a lot like the Eagles game. I really think it could go either way and the Giants are a great team that matches up well against us.

So, I'm gonna do what I did in the Eagles game and pick the home team.

Prediciton:

Steelers 24, Giants 20

No comments:

Post a Comment