16 Reasons the Redskins Make Me Poop My Pants

I really don't know too much about the Redskins. I know that they have a racially offensive team name, that they have a crazy owner that likes to spend lots of money, and they used to employ Joe Theismann, which makes me hate them.

At any rate (how about 4.5%?), on to the 16 Reasons the Redskins Make Me Poop My Pants.

1. Clinton Portis is currently tearing up the league, with 944 yards in his first eight games. He's also had four or five straight games of 120 yards, which ties a record set by OJ Simpson. I'm thinking that the Steelers defenders don't want him to set a record against them. It seems as though any time a team has a chance to set a record against them, the team says, "We don't care how good you are or how much we suck. No. Just, no." Most recent examples include the fact that we almost let Jamal Lewis get the single-season rushing yardage record against us in 2003 until we realized that he might set it. From that point on, I think he got 8 yards on 10 carries or something. And, leave us not forget how we stopped the Patriots winning streak in 2004.
2. Also, in 2005, we became the first six seed to win the Super Bowl. Not sure what that has to do anything, but I realized that I hadn't mentioned the Super Bowl XL win in a while.
3. Jason Campbell hasn't thrown an interception thus far this season. Eight games, 230 attempts, zero interceptions. How the fuck does that even happen? Can you think of anything you've ever done 230 straight times without something bad happening? Even if it wasn't your fault. You have to figure a tipped ball or miscommunication with the receiver would cause at least one at some point in there, right?
4. Campbell's lack of interceptions leads me to believe that the Redskins are this year's Chargers and this year's 2005 Bengals. Not hugely talented, but they win because they play smart and catch a lot of breaks. A lot has to do with how the ball bounces. The Giants haven't lost a fumble this year and nothing bad happened when Brandon Jacobs just let the ball pop out on Sunday. That's one of the reasons they're 6-1. They're a good team, too, but it helps a lot when you catch breaks.
5. Really don't know what to make of Jim Zorn. I mean, he was a lefthanded quarterback and he played for the Seahawks, so both of those things are unnatural. He was never a coordinator or an assistant before he was a head coach, he just took care of the quarterbacks for Seattle. Now, don't get me wrong, I think Matt Hasselback is awesome, I'm just thinking that you don't want to hand the keys to a storied franchise over to a guy with less than no experience. What's that you say about Tomlin and Cowher? Different situation. Cowher got hired 16 years ago and he's still younger than Zorn. Maybe it's just me, but I think that, if you're 55 when you get your first coaching shot, it's possible that the game has passed you by and, really, you should've been a coach by now.
6. On the other hand, he's a rookie coach and he's 6-2. He's already beaten the Cowboys and the Eagles on the road. Jason Campbell has zero interceptions and Clinton Portis is beating the fuck-all out of good teams. So, what do I know?
7. I know that Mike Tomlin kinda hit a wall halfway through last season. That's what I know.
8. There are reports about Willie Parker's knee and Ben Roethlisberger's shoulder. And, while a running back sorta needs healthy knees and it's handy for a quarterback to have a healthy shoulder, I have to say I'm not all that concerned. It's possible that Willie misses a start, but I don't think Ben misses this game for anything. He's got to make up for last week and he's too competitive to sit back and watch Byron Leftwich scamper around behind our craptastic offensive line.
9. I say Willie starts and plays well, BTW. He's had a series of "setbacks" the past couple of weeks, but i think the coaching staff is keeping him on ice and resting him for the stretch run/postseason because they feel confident in Mewelde Moore. However, at this point, I say that Fast Willie feels too uncomfortable with his level of job security to sit this one out.
10. And, I described the offensive line as "craptastic" just now, but I really think they're coming together with the guys they have (I'm pretending that Marvel Smith is in at left tackle and Max Starks is back to wearing sweats) and that DFS is fitting in better than Simmons. I also think that, if they want to play Starks, they need to put him in for Colon. That dude commits two dumbass penalties per game on average. Whenever I see a flag, I start with the assumption that it's on Colon and go from there. I like him, I like his attitude, but he needs to stop being such a dumbass. To put this in perspective, he's being enough of a dumbass that I am suggesting that Max Starks play more instead of him.
11. They've only allowed 16 sacks and, with a quarterback that's as inexperienced as Campbell, that's pretty damn good. I wouldn't say that it's fantastic, but it's pretty damn good. Also, it's not like they played the Bengals every week. They've already played the Giants and Eagles, who combined to sack our quarterbacks 14 times in two games. So, maybe they're good at pass blocking and run blocking, seeing as how we know they're good in the running game.
12. Still, I think LaMarr Woodley and James Harrison can get to Campbell and I think that we're going to hold Portis to about the same numbers that we held Brandon Jacobs to. I just don't see him going off against our defense. I think they're going to need to throw the ball in order to score enough points to win.
13. The Redskins have only 10 sacks on defense in eight games, so they don't have a lot of guys that can get to the quarterback. While that's usually a good thing, since the Steelers line sucks balls at pass blocking and all, the Jets had, like -3 sacks in 20 games going into our game against them last year and they piled up 15 or 20 sacks against us. I may be a little off on the numbers. At any rate, if they're really fired up and they really decide to come after Roethlisberger, they're going to sack him. Even if they don't really try to get him, they're still going to sack him. However, they've been playing very conserative thus far this season on defense after five years of Gregg Williams blitzing when he got off the bus, so I think that they're going to sack Big Ben, but not a lot.
14. They'll be missing Shawn "Puffy" Springs and Jason Taylor... and Sean Taylor. Too soon? Two of their most talented guys in pass defense -- Jason Taylor rushing the QB and Springs trying to intercept him -- will not be playing. And they kinda struggled defending the Lions.
15. Santonio Holmes, fresh and rested from his suspension and smoking a lot of weed, will be back. That helps the passing game a bunch and gives Ben someone reliable to throw to when he goes deep. I swear, if Holmes had traded places with Washington in the Giants game, he would've had three catches for 140 yards and three touchdowns. And we would've won. Don't know why everyone's so enamored with Nate Washington. He's a decent player, but he's no Holmes.
16. Speaking of deep threats, I didn't talk about Santana Moss. That's because I don't think he's going to get us. I think he's going to get a lot of targets deep, but that we'll have three guys stationed at the goal line, so we'll knock everything down that comes near him. I think the guy that kills us is Chris Cooley. Inside the ten and between the 20s. He won't hit on a lot of big plays, but he'll have a Kellen Winslow type of day with 11 catches for 73 yards and two short touchdowns. We haven't done well against tight ends and guys that catch the ball in the red zone this season. I think that trend continues.

Maybe it's that ignorance is bliss, but I am soooooo not worried about the Redskins. They're a good team, they've got some veteran talent, and they'll keep it close late, but I don't think they have the horses.

It's a Monday night game, they're the latest "sleeper" team now that we lost to New York and everyone woke up on the Titans, so they have something to prove, and they're at home. Could be this is where Zorn's bubble bursts and they show disappointed close-ups of Steve Largent throughout the game.

Could be that creepy-ass Dan Snyder hops his way across the field and starts screaming, "We're in first place, bitches!" before paying the PA guy $1.2 million to let him scream it over the loud speakers. But I doubt it.

Prediction:

Steelers 21, Redskins 10