Steelers vs. Bears Preview

I thought about doing a "16 Reasons the Bears Make Me Poop My Pants," but that format didn't quite work. For this particular blog post, I'm going old school.

Steelers Offense vs. Bears Defense:

Well, so, we've already covered that the Steelers rush offense leaves a lot to be desired, right? It doesn't get any better this week.

"But," you say, "the Bears run the Cover 2. The Cover 2 sucks against the run! We should be golden!"

Except for the fact that Chicago finished fifth in the league last year in run defense. And they played Adrian Peterson. Twice. And Ryan Grant. Twice. And they had to play Tennessee.

"I was not aware of that," you say. "But, they must have sucked against the pass, right?" Well, they did. They finished 30th. Thus far this season, though, they're sixth. Then again, Carolina is first and they got destroyed, so maybe that doesn't mean so much.

Then again, as you already mentioned, the Bears run a Cover 2 defense. That prevents offenses from gaining yards through the big play. Or, in another way of saying it, it prevents teams from gaining yards in chunks. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Bruce Arians has said, repeatedly, that he likes to gain yards in chunks.

So... something's gotta give, right? Chances are that it won't be the Chicago defense. Hate to say it, even if the Packers gained most of their passing yardage in Week 1 after Aaron Rogers broke the pocket, but I don't think that they'll give up chunks of yardage.

It's the home opener for the Bears. They looked like crap against the Packers. The coaches have been beating them up all week. They lost Brian Urlacher. They have an us-against-the-world mentality at this point. I don't foresee any breakdowns like they had against Green Bay.

All of the above means that the run game won't be working and the "yards in chunks" strategy won't pan out. This means that we'll have to change our game plan. A game plan change is apparently limited to the end of a half when the half/game is on the line.

Therefore, it will be a lot of one yard and a cloud of dust and a lot of Ben trying to "improvise" and failing for 56 minutes and then some two-minute offense sprinkled in.

Bears Offense vs. Steelers Defense:

The Steelers have an awesome run defense and the Bears have an awesome running back by the name of Matt Forte. Something has to give here and I think it's the Chicago running game.

I think that we'll focus on stopping the run and not give Forte much daylight. However, he's like LaDanian Tomlinson back in the day. We'd bottle him up as a runner, but not as a receiver. I think Forte catches a number of checkdowns from Jay Cutler and ends up with a fairly respectable stat line. I am starting him in my fantasy league that gives a point per reception, despite the fact that Sportsline told me that I am retarded for doing that.

I think he scores their touchdown. I think he ends up with 23 carries for 57 yards, but he scores and catches at least five passes and scores. That's worth it, right?

Point is, I don't think that Forte, explosive as he is -- and he was explosive 2008 before he hit the rookie wall -- is the guy that kills us.

"So," you say, ever the contrarian jerk that you are, "Cutler is going to kill us?"

Well, no.

The following are facts:

1. Jay Cutler sucked big, hairy, honkin' balls against the Packers on Sunday night.
2. He ended up throwing four interceptions. When I heard this, I was not surprised. I would not have been surprised had I heard that he threw six interceptions. And I only watched the first quarter.
3. The Packers were running a 3-4 defense for the first time.
4. The Steelers have been running the 3-4 defense since the Reagan administration and are very, very good at it.

You could take all that and conclude that the Steelers will rule Cutler and the Bears passing offense.

But, you would neglect to realize that:

1. Cutler has now seen the 3-4 defense and is accustomed to it. He sucked waaaaaaay less in the second half.
2. The Green Bay defensive coordinator is Dom Capers. If Dick LeBeau is the Godfather of the 3-4 defense, Capers is Tom Hagen.

So... they're ready for pretty much whatever we throw at them.

Now, Cutler is still going to suck balls, but they will be neither big, hairy, nor honkin'. He's not the guy that kills this game for the Bears.

Overall:

Since we won't be able to move the ball for 56 minutes and the Bears won't light up the scoreboard, then it's going to be a close game. It's going to be a game when big plays matter.

Therefore, we should not under any circumstances kick the ball to Devin Hester. Remember when the hated Ravens had Jermaine Lewis? Well, Hester is Lewis plus Ray Lewis plus Brian Mitchell plus infinity.

I know that we have Danny Vulva aka the Sepulverizer at our disposal once again. But, we should not under any circumstances kick the ball to Devin Hester. Do. Not. Kick. The. Ball. To. Devin. Hester.

I think that, after nearly three hours of physical play and back and forth that the announcers will praise as "riveting" but really only serves to put fans to sleep, the Steelers remember that they have one of the best clutch quarterbacks in the league and let him do his thing to win another low-scoring snooze-fest.

Prediction: Steelers 16, Bears 13