16 Reasons the Chargers Make Me Poop My Pants

So, I didn't write a review for the Colts game. A few reasons for that.

1. My first loss watching the Steelers play. I'm 10-1, but that first one is always the hardest.
2. Due to poor planning on my part and lack of an acceptable number of ATMs on Heinz Field's part, I spent an hour or so getting wings and missed most of the second and third quarters.
3. Due to WAAAAAAAAY too much beer on my part, the fourth quarter is kinda fuzzy. Like, well-maintained Chia Pet fuzzy.

I looked at the stats and the highlights from the game, so I think I have a good grasp on how things went down and what things look like for this week. So, without further ado...

1. These aren't your father's Chargers. Or, your cousin's Chargers. You know, your cousin? The one who started following them in 2005? Sure, you could say that they're a 4-5 team that lost their first two games in the closing seconds, so they should be 6-3 if not for Dante Rosario and Ed Hoculli (yes, you were supposed to say, "Who?" to both of those guys). But, they also let up 39 points to Denver, lost to Miami, and lost to Buffalo. They snuck by Oakland and needed a missed extra point and a failed two-point conversion to beat the Chiefs.
2. LaDainian Tomlinson is not the same player he once was. Not even close. I mean, there are some that argue that he put up huge numbers for years because of carries, red zone opportunities, and running behind a great offensive line. So, maybe he wasn't the best back in the league the last five years, but he was up there. Now, he's not there at all. He's averaging 3.8 yards a carry, has only scored four touchdowns in nine games (most seasons, he'd have 20 by now), and he's played crappy defenses like the Saints, Broncos, Chiefs, and Raiders.
3. So, ordinarily, I'd say we have to stop Tomlinson to win, but I don't think that's first priority. I think we'll stop him. We've stopped better running backs running behind better lines already this season, so we can stop Tomlinson.
4. Where we have to worry is when Tomlinson gets out of the back field and becomes a receiver. During his career, he has 53 carries against us for 189 yards, but he also has 20 receptions for 110 yards. Granted, the average for the receptions isn't much better, but that's weighed down by a six catch for eight yards effort when we kicked the shit out of them in 2003 (and I was there). We always seem to act like he's the only guy on the field when the Chargers run, but we somehow lose track of him when they pass. He's dangerous in the open field and we can't let him kill us when he catches the ball. James Farrior, LaDanian Tomlinson. LaDanian Tomlinson, James Farrior. James, tell us what Tomlinson had for lunch.
5. The fact that Antonio Gates is awesome is no longer a secret. I know it, you know, hell, Dante Rosario knows it. However, people keep losing track of him (or, ya know, get beat by him, whichever). He leads the team in receptions and touchdowns. He has six touchdowns and his longest touchdown is for 30 yards. Think we might wanna keep an eye on this dude in the red zone? Sick Troy on him. He usually draws the other team's best guy. That has worked for the most part. I mean, look who was covering Reggie Wayne on his 65-yard touchdown last week. It was ball bitch Ike Taylor, not Troy. Have Woodley or Harrison chuck him when he comes off the line, then have Troy keep an eye on him.
6. Silver lining: Tomlinson is third on the team in receptions with 33. Gates has 38. That's 71 catches by the tight end and the running back. Know what other team has a really great running back-tight end combination? The Washington Redskins.
7. Silver lining inside the silver lining: #2 on that list is receiver Vincent Jackson and #4 is receiver Chris Chambers. Both average over 17 yards a reception. The Chargers only throw deep to those guys. To throw deep, you need to hold the ball for a while. The Steelers have 34 sacks in nine games. Philip Rivers had knee surgery in the offseason. I'm sure that all of these things add up to a big pile of awesome that should in no way end with Rivers flopping around on the ground like Carson Palmer circa January 2006. Not saying I'm hoping it will happen, but their back-up is Billy Volek.
8. Side note on Chambers: He is having the weirdest season of all time by a receiver. He has five touchdowns, but only 16 catches. He's been targeted 34 times, but has a bunch of drops. He's averaging 17 yards a catch, but rarely catches the ball. Of those 16 catches, six have gone for 20+ yards and two of those have been 40+, both touchdowns. However, he hasn't caught a pass that has gone for 20+ yards in a month and a half. Just... just, weird. I mean, you can't not cover him, but I'd be interested in seeing what would happen if you didn't for the purposes of science. And my one fantasy team.
9. Jackson is another strange case. He's huge (6'5", 240), he's fast, and he's in an offense that would take advantage of a huge, fast guy, but he never put it together his first two seasons. He seems to be putting it together now (35 catches, 621 yards, four touchdowns), but you can never be sure. He's made Chris Chambers look like Art-freaking-Monk since he came into the league, so maybe this is the game where he has seven drops and Norv Turner's head explodes. Maybe this is the game where he catches 12 balls for 242 yards and three touchdowns and Fernando Bryant's head explodes.
   
10. Oh, that's right! We signed some dude named Fernando Bryant this week. He'll probably be playing for Deshea, who was playing for Bryant McFadden. William Gay could squeeze his way in there, but the fact remains that our top three corners will be, in order: ball bitch Ike Taylor, some dude named Gay, and some dude we just signed. So... maybe their receivers are going to have a good game.
11. Well, except for the fact that I'm still not sold on Philip Rivers. Okay. Take out the 65-yard touchdown from last week and Peyton Manning -- 6'5", 230 pound quarterback with a laser-rocket arm and way better receivers -- was 21 of 39 with 175 yards. That's 4.48 yards per attempt. Peyton Manning. Laser-rocket arm. We still have a defense that will stop teams that just want to throw deep. Rivers and the Chargers just want to throw deep. So... Tomlinson doesn't kill us, Rivers doesn't kill us, it's gotta be their defense, right?
12. Look. (Thank you, President-elect Obama! I needed something to make people listen!) No, seriously. Look. Their defense has allowed 200 first downs. 200! They've allowed 214 points. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that they have played Oakland, Kansas City, Miami, and Buffalo. Okay, they also played New Orleans and Denver, but still. They only have 18 sacks. They only have six interceptions.
13. On the subject of pass defense, they're dead last in the NFL. They give up an average of 265 yards per game. They've given up 17 touchdown passes. They played the Raiders, okay. The Raiders managed 208 yards combined against Atlanta and Carolina, but put up 277 yards through the air against the Chargers.
14. The defense was so bad that they fired Ted Cottrell a couple of weeks ago and promoted Ron Rivera. But, Cottrell was a blitz-happy guy and Rivera is a Cover 2 guy, so there's bound to be a transition. They still have Shaun Phillips, Luis Castillo, Igor Olshansky, and Casey Hampton clone Jamal Williams, but they're just not the same guys. They've lost their speed off the edge, they've lost their presence in the middle, and they have crappy safeties... which means that it's just the right time for Willie Parker to return from injury! I think he matches up against this defense very well and would have a big day -- a much bigger day than Mewelde Moore -- so I hope he starts.
15. But, I really hope that Ben Roethlisberger doesn't. I think that this is a crappy enough of a pass defense that Byron Leftwich can have a big game against them. Hell, JaMarcus Russell didn't do half bad and he's terrible. I'm not giving up on Roethlisberger and I'm not saying that this should be a permanent shift. I'm just saying that Leftwich is good enough for this week and Roethlisberger is tired enough that we should rest him. When he's hurt, when he's tired, when he's worn out, Roethlisberger gets this look on his face like it's Christmas Eve and he just heard that the last Elmo doll has been sold, even though he pre-ordered one. When he gets that look on his face, he's done. Sit him down. Tomlin's grandmother would be a better replacement because at least she knows her limitations. When Ben gets like that, he doesn't have the chops to do what he is accustomed to doing, but he doesn't realize it. So he forces the ball into coverage. He throws the ball short. He does dumb shit. In order for our quarterback, whoever he may be, to throw for 300 yards against this defense, all we need that guy to do is not do dumb shit. For that reason, I say start Leftwich.
16. Either way, I think Hines Ward and Matt Spaeth do well. I think Moore gets involved in the passing game. I think that, possibly, this is the game that we put it all together. And, possibly, Ben's not gonna be in there when it happens.

My current record for predictions for the season is 7-2, which is better than the 6-3 record that the Steelers actually have. So, I'm going to trust my instincts.

I think that this is not a close game. I think that the Chargers get exposed as frauds. I think that they take their first step into a very disgraceful 8-8 season that ends with the firing of Norv.

I think, though, that Tomlinson gets his numbers and Rivers doesn't end up looking that bad. So, start both of them on your fantasy teams.

Prediction:

Steelers 34, Chargers 13