AFC East Predicitions

Here's how it looks to me, last to first:

New York Jets:

Okay. This was kinda a toss-up. The Bills and the Jets are both screwed. Buffalo at least has a defense. So they're picked to finish third.

A 35 year-old coach. A QB with a bum shoulder. A running back with two bum knees. And an organization that was so desperate they traded for Kevan Barlow. Here's a winner. They might actually be worse than they were last year. But, I do actually believe that Eric Mangini will be good. Eventually.

Their defense is old, their offensive line has two rookie starters and they TRADED FOR KEVAN BARLOW. I bet Jonathan Vilma can't wait to void his contract fast enough. Did I mention that Dwayne Robertson has underachieved? That they traded Jonathan Abraham, their best defensive player? That they let Ty Law and his 10 interceptions walk? That Curtis Martin's knees have finally failed? That they play in a division with the Patriots and the improved Dolphins? That the Bills actually have a defense? Okay, I mentioned that already. Let's move on.

Buffalo Bills:

They actually have a defense. That's the good news. The bad news is that Dick Jauron and Marv Levy have no idea what they're doing, Lee Evans is all alone, it will take 2 games for Willis McGahee to shut down and call his agent, demanding a trade, and that they have three different guys vying for the starting QB spot. As my friend Corey says, "When you have three guys fighting for one job, you really don't have anyone." And this is at the game's most important position.

Do us all a favor. Start Losman. There's nothing more humiliating than failing to admit you don't have a chance. It's pathetic. Let the boy learn. If he's not the answer, Brady Quinn might be available to you.

Miami Dolphins:

I've heard all the hype. I've heard about Daunte Culpepper and his miraculous recovery from knee surgery. I know Nick Saban is the Second Coming (of Bellichick, not Jesus). I'm just not sold on it.

They have two former head coaches now serving as coordinators/assistant head coaches. Think there's not going to be an issue on 3rd and 1? In either direction? You might as well hire two fomer CEOs to run your shipping department. Sure they're smart, capable guys, but they remember what it's like to sit in your chair. Give the press conferences. Have sex with you wife. I've said too much.

Their receivers don't mesh. Neither do their coordinators. Assistant head coaches. Whatever. Their line is still suspect. Their quarterback looked like the gigantic, black version of the guy from "Operation" 10 months ago. Their defense is old. And slowing. And small.

Think I haven't planned out the Preview for game 1 of the regular season when my beloved Steelers face off against this dysfunctional band of recovering has-beens? Think again. I see their holes. And so do the Patriots.

New England Patriots:

They still have Brady. And Bellichick. Until either (or, preferably both) of those guys is dead, I'm not betting against them. They might take it as a sign of disrespect.

Want a better explanation? Here goes:

1. They match up well against the "elite" teams in the conference, except the Broncos.
2. Absurd depth on the defensive and offensive lines.
3. Corey Dillon. Not good enough? Lawrence Maroney.
4. Every linebacker on their roster (roughly 30 at this point) is good enough to start. And versatile. And smart.
5. Bellichick and Brady.
6. They get to play 6 games this season against teams that suck more than they do that just happen to be in the same division.
7. Bellichick and Brady.

I rest my case. Suck it.