NFC West Predictions

Here's how I think the division will end up, last to first:

San Francisco 49ers:

Man, it must SUCK to be a 49ers fan. Seriously. I mean, the Steelers were bad after Bradshaw and all the rest of the "old greats" retired, but they weren't this bad. And, as bad as they were last year, they're one of three teams that I think could actually be worse this year (the others being the Bills and the Jets, which I'll cover in a later post).

They finished 4-12 last year and added Antonio Bryant and drafted Vernon Wells. That's it. They lost their two biggest playmakers on defense, Julian Peterson (Seattle) and Andre Carter (Washington). They have a QB with small hands and NO career touchdown passes. They have Kevan Barlow (really, this is the year he breaks out. I'm sure of it.) And... I couldn't name any more guys on their roster if you opened up the team page on their Web site and taught me how to read.

They're going to suck. Badly. I'm not sure if they're going to be better or worse than the Jets or the Bills. Then again, being better than the Jets and Bills is kinda like being the leper with the best dick. Let's move on.

St. Louis Rams:

One thing has always messed with me when I see a movie where a girl dresses up as a guy or a guy dresses up like a girl: The guy smell. Think about it. Guys sweat. We're smelly, smelly animals. Girls have all kinds of creams and lotions and hydrating mists and stuff. They smell good. In these movies, when a girl dresses up like a guy, how does she emulate the "Guy Smell"? When a guy dresses up like a girl, how does he hide it? It's in there on a DNA level. I just don't get it. How can you mistake a big, sweaty Wayans brother for Paris Hilton? How do you do it?

Here's my point: The Rams are Paris Hilton and they're trying to be a big, sweaty Wayans brother. But they don't have the guy smell.

For years, they've been the team that airs it out, plays just enough defense, and doesn't really care if they turn the ball over. Now new coach Scott Linehan wants them to be a power running team that plays physical defense and doesn't turn the ball over. They've got a roster full of Paris Hiltons and they're trying to spritz themselves with L'Oeu de Wayans. It's not gonna work. THEY DON'T HAVE THE PERSONNEL. It's like when a team that has run the 4-3 as its base defense for years tries to switch to the 3-4 and everyone wonders why the defense suddenly went to pot. It's because, when you run the 4-3, you need certain personnel that don't fit into the 3-4. And vice versa.

You can't just flip the "toughness" switch whenever you want. It doesn't work that way. But, if they keep drafting and signing free agents with this philosophy in mind, they'll be good in 3-4 years. Maybe two. But not this year.

Arizona Cardinals:

Partly because someone has to come in third and it ain't gonna be the Seahawks. But mostly because the Cardinals have added Edgerrin James and have a new o-line coach. If Kurt Warner stays healthy (again, BIG if), all they need is the threat of a running game to be successful on offense. They're too loaded at WR and the offensive line is good enough at pass blocking for the passing game not to succeed.

And, their new offensive line coach can teach his players how to block the "stretch" and "slant" plays that Edge runs so well.

The defense just needs to hold the other team to 20 points or so. That shouldn't be too much of a challenge, but they are soft up the middle and have MAJOR holes at 2 out of the 4 positions in the secondary.

They may get a Wild Card bid, but no one's taking this division from Seattle.

Seattle Seahawks:

As much as I hate to do this and as much as I'm still pissed about the continuous whining in the weeks following the Super Bowl, they're one of the five best teams in the league.

They added Nate Burleson and Julian Peterson (an All-Pro guy when healthy). And they only lost a back-up safety and Steve Hutchinson. He's a left guard. It's no big deal. Really. They'll get over it. As much as I love Alan Faneca, we'd still have a great offensive line without him, we'd just have to change the left guard's assignments on a number of running plays (because he really does pull a lot and his replacement might not be able to do that). And that's just what Seattle will do.

The only thing that could de-rail them is them. If they psych themselves out or suffer from the dreaded "Super Bowl Hangover," then it's Arizona's division to lose. If not, they may again represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLI.