Playoff Beard Rules

I actually defined these rules last year during the run to the Stanley Cup Final, but never posted them. So, here they are. I am currently growing a playoff beard.

1. If you currently have a beard, it's okay.

I normally have a beard, but I trimmed it down before the Stanley Cup Playoffs started. The key is to take pride in your growth and the fact that you're supporting your team. As your beard grows, their chances to hoist Lord Stanley's Cup grow.

2. Neck beards are not cool.

Neck bears are unattractive, itchy, and basically the equivalent of slapping God in the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

The idea is that God gave us power of attorney over the beasts of the land, the sea, and the air. Earth is our sanctuary and our bodies are our temples. If we let hair grow on our necks, nature wins. We need to seize power of attorney and shave it down.

Also, if you look at NHL players, they're not rocking the Kyle Orton Classic. They keep a balance between order and chaos by holding their neck hair in check.

Additionally, a lot of hockey fans have these things. They're called jobs. A regular beard is usually acceptable, but a neck beard pushes the envelope. I love the Penguins. I love the Steelers. I love the Pirates. I love Pitt basketball. I love job security more.

And I'm sure we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

3. The mustache is almost fair game.

If I kiss my wife (or significant other) and they make a face like a very small rat crawled up their nose and they need to expel it at all costs, then it's time to do some work on the old mustache.

I'm not saying trim it to douchebag levels (the 1 setting on most trimmers). I'm not saying that you should go all Civil War and just grow chops. I'm not saying you should go all Alternative Rocker and forgo the mustache. I'm saying this...

To paraphrase the great Dave Chappelle (from Half Baked)... I love hockey. I mean, I love hockey. But not as much as I love a certain part of the female anatomy.

Therefore, wife wins over hockey.

I'm sorry. I understand that this makes me a pansy. But, I'm a pansy who's getting some... so it's cool.

So, trim it within reason. And remember to walk that fine line between being a certain part of the female anatomy and "experiencing" a certain part of the female anatomy.

4. You are not allowed to make a spectacle of your playoff beard.

Don't tell anyone that you're growing one. Don't write blog posts about it (unless, you know, you're writing a guide about it... okay, I made that up to cover myself). Don't bring it up at happy hour.

Hockey is a sport of unwritten rules and silent acceptance. It isn't a sport for showboating or celebrating, which is why Malkin got in trouble for switching from the "arm pump, then hug teammates" paradigm.

The neck beard follows the same rules. Do not waiver from them.

5. You are not allowed to complain about your playoff beard.

Don't say, "Wow. This is getting out of hand. I can't wait until I can trim it or cut it off." Don't say, "I can't wait until the playoffs are over so that I can trim this or cut it off." Don't even say, "I can't wait until the Penguins win the Cup so I can trim this or cut it off."

If you're the kind of person that is superstitious enough to grow a playoff beard, you're the kind of person that is superstitious enough to believe that such statements can sink your team.

I actually said the third statement before the Final started against Detroit. And I will never forgive myself.

6. Have fun with it.

This is something that many sports fans (myself definitely included) forget. Sports are supposed to be fun. Sports are supposed to be an escape.

As many rules as I have outlined, rules are made to be broken. It's the playoffs. Not everything is called. Not everything requires a stoppage of play.

But, also remember that your team is counting on you, so, don't blow it.